Beware The Frickles

Whilst en vacaciones with Mr. Floresta, I had occasion to eat at a joint called The Island Cow (Sanibel Island, FL). As I perused their menu, I noticed one very, very disturbing, yet intriguing selection.

Frickles.

"What, pray, are frickles?", you may ask yourself. Well, dear readers, Frickles are deep-fried dill pickle slices. And they are just as revolting as you might imagine. Given my ever-increasing loathing of one Kellie Pickler, I HAD to order them. How could I not? I owed it to myself ... and to you.

This little item is one of the wa-ha-hackiest food-ities that I've run across. What's the most peculiar thing you've seen on or ordered from a menu?

If nothing else, after having seen, ordered and consumed FRICKLES, I now have a choice new nickname for Pickler. I think it suits her.

Bring Me The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!

Hi, Kids! The word of the day is "REGICIDE". The broad definition of regicide is the deliberate killing of a monarch, or the person responsible for it. I hereby cite FOX and 19 Entertainment for committing such a high-ei-nous act of tyranny on the world of music.

Seacrest did, indeed, lighten up on the scruffiness (a good call, for sure). I think he should've worn more grey, though. Would that have been possible?? Normally, Seacrest prides himself on being the picture of sartorial elegance, but he's been really shoddy this season. His couture this evening sort of reflected the judges' attitudes tonight, too. They couldn't have been less interesting. Simon just didn't seem up to his usual brand of barbs. Someone should switch him to decaf before next week, so he's extra testy. Even Paula didn't provide much entertainment and we can almost always count on her to say something ridiculous.

Bucky: Fat Bottomed Girls. WOW. Who'd have thought we'd hear the words "Left alone with big Fat Fanny, she was such a naughty nanny, heap big woman, you made a bad boy out of me" on FOX primetime? It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I give Bucky and FOX full marks for selecting and allowing this song, respectively. HOW-EV-UH ... do you think it would've been too much trouble for Bucky to attempt more than, say, three notes? Hmm? This is a great, great song and Bucky's rockabilly interpretation just didn't quite get there for me for him. He had ab-fab hair tonight, though. Mine should look so good! But that's between me and my stylist. Overall, Bucky wasn't the worst of the night, but he's certainly in the hunt.

Ace: We Will Rock You. No, Ace, you won't. And you didn't. And you probably won't have the chance again. When the founding members of one of the greatest rock bands in history tell you that your silly arrangement sucks in such a way as to disrupt the space-time continuum, you should L-I-S-T-E-N to them for cripes sake! First of all, this song doesn't provide the best showcase for vocal talent. Freddie Mercury could sing anything and make it sound operatic. You, Mr. Young, must be somewhat more careful than he. Ace should have listened to Aunt Flo & Cousin Jenn and sung Play the Game. It still might've blown dead bear, but at least he could've worked his falsetto and SUNG. Instead, he was left to informing the audience that he "rocked" and working the dreaded self-clap. Repeatedly. Bye, bye Ace.

The Gherkin: Bohemian Rhapsody. Let me start by saying that this wasn't the B-Movie horror show that I was expecting. Given that Kellie had to sqeeze a 7-minute rock magnum opus into 1 minute, 20 seconds, I think she did pretty well. Obviously, she holds nary a candle to the original--she didn't even come close to Constantine Maroulis--but I think she did well enough to stay safe for another week (much to my chagrin). While she was better this week, she still has that marionette look about her. My biggest problem with her is that she cannot handle all of the running around on stage. She's got two moves (three, if you count The Squat): (1) shake head and tousle hair and (2) drop to knees to make men think of a good healthy boinkfest. She should be particularly careful on a night when she's wearing dominatrix boots with 5 inch heels. The steps are just too tricky.

Chris: Innuendo. I thought Chris was great tonight. I think that this choice was a ballsy and the only real risk was that most people have never heard it. I think it's possible that people will find it a little boring, but I think he did great. However, I would recommend to the makeup artists that if they're going to give Chris the brooding eye look, either go all the way (a la Billie Joe Armstrong) or freakin' forget it. The makeup wasn't heavy enough to look "rock" ... it just made me say, "Hey ... Chris is wearing eyeliner." He needed more lip gloss to give him that nice dewy glow.

**NOTE: As alert & ever gentle reader ncidolwatcher pointed out, while Paula was mostly quiet and useless during the show, did she did have one real doozie."BLAH BLAH BLAH Queen never performed this song live BLAH BLAH BLAH because they couldn't do it justice the way you, Chris Daughtry, could." She should be drawn and quartered for saying something so ridiculous. They didn't perform it LIVE because Freddie Mercury died just after the album was recorded. To my knowledge, the only time any of the songs from this album (Innuendo) were performed live was during a tribute concert for Freddie Mercury at Wembley Arena (These Are The Days Of Our Lives, Lisa Stansfield/George Michael). Paula should be ashamed of herself.**

Katharine: Who Wants to Live Forever. Look at the big brains on Kat! She must be eating at Big Kahuna Burger these days because deciding to sing this song was S-M-R-T: SMART (Simpsons fans UNTIE!) First of all, she FINALLY looked good. Good hair, good outfit. Good lighting. I'm so glad she didn't sing Don't Stop Me Now. I think it would have been a big ol' mess and she would've sounded all silly. She hit a couple of notes that made me want to run and hide beneath my pillow, but I think she did VERY well.

Elliott: Somebody to Love. I have a question. How is it possible to get through life and not hear this song? Between the umpteen tons of airplay the original gets, not to mention George Michael's cover version, how is it escapable? Anyway, this was the song I had picked for E-double to perform and I think he did pretty well. The beginning was decidedly rough. Scary, even. But once he got to the first chorus, he was doing great. My only real problem with his performance was that he made the song seem all ... happy. This song is about pain and suffering and being full of anguish and loneliness. Elliott gave it too much bounce and pep; not enough feeling.

Taylor: Crazy Little Thing Called Love. I'm officially petitioning to change Taylor's name to "Microphone Fiend". That little mis-kick of the mic stand tonight might just be my favorite Idol moment ever. (Go easy, Soul Patrollers). It was hilarious and will go down as one of the great "I Meant to Do That" moments in entertainment history. I am so glad that Tay-Z decided that we weren't the champions. That would have been baaaaaad. Taylor was BACK tonight, though! His performance was terrific and, most certainly, WHOO! worthy. I don't think it was his best vocal performance, but he finally looked like he was having fun again. That was everything David Radford wishes he had been able to do. That said, I think it was one of the weaker vocal performances of the night; we could see an all-male revue on tomorrow night's cutdown show.

**NOTE: Is it just me, or did you laugh your keister off at the trailer for "Stick It". Good times.**

Paris: The Show Must Go On. WOW! I LOVE that she chose this. I thought she did great and had way more rock cred than Kellie tonight. Pairs was working a whole Mary J. Blige meets Lil Kim thing tonight. I'm not sure how I felt about the extensions, but I thought she looked really good. And she sounded great. Clearly, she impressed Brian May and Roger Taylor ... these guys know what they are talking about, people. Listen to them. Paris wins the sovereign's orb for best performance of the night.

Much to my shock and overall amazement, tonight's show was nowhere near the torture chamber I had been expecting. As the herd thins, it gets harder and harder to pick out the worstest performances. I have to rest my weary head and think about this one. If there's any justice, though, Ace will be headed home tomorrow.

Predic-TIONS! Predictions!

Hey Kids!

Flo's going on vacation with The Mister and NO CHILDREN! Woo hoo! 5 days in Florida with the ability to sleep through the night, drink cocktails with reckless abandon and do whatever I goshdarn well please. (*smiles*)

I'm not going to have time to post tonight because I'll be busier'n a one-armed paper hanger, so I'm getting my predictions out now.

I think ... that Ryan needs to shave his silly beard. Someone send him a can of Barbasol, huh?

I think ... that Mandisa and Taylor should be feeling veeeeeery nervous right about now.

I think ... that Chris did well last night, but needs to ditch the silly arm wristlet thing. Very leather bar.

I think ... I'm golldarned tired of listening to country music on this show!

I think ... I'm terrified about next week's theme: The Music of Queen.

I think ... the bottom three is too close to call tonight, but I will anyway: Mandisa, Taylor and Bucky. Or Elliott. Or Paris. Or Ace (I am fiendishly non-committal).

I think ... that if Ryan's little tryst with Teri Hatcher is damaging his fashion sense, he should end it. It's too painful for the rest of us.

I think ... I'm going to have nightmares all weekend about Kellie Pickler trying to sing ANYTHING from the Queen songbook.

I think ... I have no idea who's going home tonight. I won't even TRY to pretend like I do!

Peace out, my peeps!

I Feel Like I Been Rode Hard & Put Up Wet

Alright, alright, alright. Let's hear it now: Country Night is OVER. You can all breathe a sigh of relief. Now, really ... was it as bad as you thought it was going to be?

Yeah ... it was. Sorry about that.

So, Ryan "James Denton" Seacrest was looking very disheveled again tonight. And it's not just because of the "Mike the Plumber" scruff he's sporting (in deference to his new squeeze), but his suit looked all rumpled. Maybe it's just me.

What deranged barbershop quartet kidnapped Randy and dressed him tonight? This was not a good look for me for him. He'd better be careful walking around in Hollywood like that ... he'll get slapped with a fashion citation in a flash! (*STOP! Those shoes don't go with those pants!!*)

When Kenny Rogers made his "surprise" (suuuuure they didn't know he was coming) appearance on the b-roll video, did it look and sound to y'all like they were rehearsing for Sunday's service at the Church of the Holy Gambler? If Kenny Rogers were the Pope of that church, would Kris Kristofferson be, like, a deacon?

So, if I may be so bold: Boogity, boogity, boogity. Let's git er done.

Taylor: Take Me Home Freakin' Country Roads?!? I repeat: ????? Even Taylor was holding his hands out like, "Why in the name of merry christmas am I singing this piece of donkey dung?" All due respect to John Denver, because the man could S-I-N-G, but this was not his best effort. Nor was it Taylor's. Mr. Denver, may he rest in peace, must've been rolling in his grave. If Taylor has another performance like this one, I'm gon' beat him like a redheaded stepchild.

Mandisa: Any Man of Mine, Sheneneh Twain. Let me say first that Mandisa's hair and makeup were flawless tonight. She looked beautiful. From the neck up. But WHO is dressing her? What was WITH that ... that TOP?? Mandisa's performance was OK, I guess, but I was so distracted by her blouse-thing that I was having a hard time paying attention. Just say NOOO to bold, horizontal patterns! Fashion aside, I thought the performance was extraordinarily average. Her lower register, once again, was lacking and I just didn't care for the song all that much.

Elliott: If Tomorrow Never Comes, Garth Brooks. Nice of Randy to mention that he'd produced this song. Were you impressed? Me either. Was this performance better than Taylor's or Mandisa's? Yeah. But Elliott's vibrato probably caused some problems for our friends with epilepsy. There is a thing as TOO MUCH. You want to know what the worst thing about the performance was, though? It was neither good enough to moisten my dainties nor was it bad enough that I could load up ol' snarky and take aim. Dang it all, Elliott!

Paris: How Do I Live?, LeAnn Rimes. Paris LOOKED great tonight. Maybe the best she's looked all season. Nicely done! And no fringe anywhere. That, however, was the best part of Paris tonight. Everytime she sang the line "how do I liiiiive without you" I expected her to follow with "if you have the keys". "LIVE" is not pronounced "LEAVE". And I think Paris' lower register might've been out with Mandisa's for 1/2 price night at CBGB's because it was M.I.A., as well.

Ace: I couldn't tell you what song he sang or who the original artist was. What I can tell you is that Ace, in no uncertain terms, gave the best performance he's given TO DATE. He looked confident, self-assured, his voice was strong and even and not at all forced. He was HOT! (*TSSSSS!*) He didn't mime, we didn't see any new scar tissue. And he sang con passion! NICE. This is exactly what Ace needed to do to throw a wrench into things. I think that most people had pretty much written him off, but he apparently had other plans. What now? I'm in a quandary.

The Gherkin: Fancy, Miss Reba. I know that someone out there in the Blogosphere chose this song for her; good goin' whoever you were! I still think she's got those dead Wilma Flintstone eyes, but I thought she gave a really good performance tonight. I have a couple of bones to pick with her tonight, however. What was UP (and down and UP and down and UP and down) with her eyebrows? It was like she was a sweet lil' ol marionette being controlled by a sadistic puppetteer. Also, was there a reason that AI felt it necessary for Kellie to have a fireside chat with Ryan to "clear the air" about her "real, down-home personality"?? They have an hour to squeeze in 9 performances and some tripe disguised as constructive criticism and they waste 3 minutes on that?!? And Kellie, PLEASE. For the love of GOD. STOP apologizing!

Chris: Some Keith Urban Song. Chris did a'ight. He would have done better if he just would've sung Desperado. That would've been all she wrote, but noooo ... you had to do a stool song (y'all can read as much into that as you want). And you know what (and I never thought these words would come out of my mouth)? Ace was better than you tonight. GASP!! (*Flo ducks and runs for cover from tomatoes soaring overhead*)

Chowdah McPhee: You Bring Out the Elvis In Me. What does that mean, exactly? Does he make you want to binge on deep-fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches? Do you suddenly want to cover your walls in red velvet? What?? Kit Kat was loads better than last week, she was fun and playful and all of that. She was a'ight, but I think I was so completely OVER the show by the time she came on that I just chalked her up in the "EH" column. She should be OK tomorrow.

Bucky: Mumblemumblemumble. So, Kenny made a point of telling Bucky to enunciate ev-e-ry word. Glad he listened (*rolls eyes*). Before y'all get all antsy, I must say that I really enjoyed Sister Golden Hair tonight. I couldn't understand anything he said (something about "it's not so bad"), but his voice sounded terrific, so I really didn't care. And I liked that the stylist didn't go all psycho cowboy with Bucky this week. Just the hat and the cool jacket. Nice.

So. Veeeery interesting. Who would YOU put in the bottom three after this musical malfeasance? I'll have to think on it some more, but I'd bet cash money that Taylor's going to feel some backlash and find himself in unfamiliar territory tomorrow night. I love him, but he stank up the joint tonight. I'll get back to ya.

We've Got A Long Way To Go & A Short Time To Get There

A'ight, a'ight, a'ight. So yo. I have never professed to be a fan of or an expert on country music. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. That being said, however, I have lots of friends and family who LOVE it (I still like them in spite of this) and I there are SOME country songs that are more palatable than others and not totally unlikeable.

So, in the interests of fairness and consistency, I have prepared a list of song suggestions for Der Neun. Snark all you want, but these suggestions are made in as serious a manner as I can suggest anything (and we all know how serious THAT is!)

The Gherkin: Country is her thing, so she had better give a performance this week that's more than just musical NyTol. It seems to me that she's really been phoning it in lately and I want to see her put out a little effort.

One of my suggestions for Kellie is: One Way Ticket, by LeAnn Rimes. This is a fun song that would give Kellie a chance to show some range (and show us that she actually HAS some). It's upbeat without being gimmicky and I think it would suit her nicely. If she knows what's good for her, though, she'll sing ...

Little Bitty, by Alan Jackson This is the sort of song that I could really see Kellie singing, but she might not even consider it because it was recorded by a MAY-UN (please pronounce phonetically)! The lyrics suit her to a "T" and I think she'd do well with it.

Bucky: Another Country night shoo-in. We KNOW Bucky can sing country. But he hasn't really been singing ... just a lot of growling for me for him. I want to hear him SING. Accordingly, I have a sugary sweet country love song that ol' Buck could really pour his heart into ...

Love, Me, by Collin Raye This is a rip-your-heart-out-of your-chest love song that Bucky could do beautifully with. I happen to love this song in all its sappy glory and would love to hear Bucky sing it (it'll never happen). If Sister Golden Hair Surprise decides to go all Honky Tonk, I want him to sing ...

Eastbound and Down, by Jerry Reed. Yeah. This is the song from Smokey & The Bandit. And I just want to hear it cause I think it'd be funny.

Chris: Desperado, by The Eagles (and covered by Clint Black on Common Thread: Songs of the Eagles Tribute Album). Chris really needs to soften things up this week, and Country Week is as good a time as any for him to show us something different. Desperado is a song that will allow Chris to show his softer, more sensitive side while still being all soulful and *aaahhhh*-inspiring. *NOTE to Chris: No Johnny Cash this week!*

Katharine: Kit Kat had a bad week last week and she seemed none too pleased on Wednesday night. Katharine's got a beautiful, pure voice that is well-suited for a lot of country music. I think she has a big chance to blow her roomie out of the water by singing her caboose off on Tuesday night. In a perfect world (we wouldn't be talking about country music choices) Kat would sing:
(I Never Promised You A) Rose Garden, by Lynn Anderson (and covered by K.D. Lang and Martina McBride after her) This is a fun song that will keep Kat out of the ballad trap while still allowing her to show off vocally. If she doesn't sing this, I'd LOVE to hear her sing ...

Blue, by LeAnn Rimes. This song, off LeAnn Rimes' first album, is beautiful and mournful and is perfectly suited to Katharine's voice. I'd be concerned about her looking detached, but I think she'd do brilliantly with this one.

Elliott: I am fast becoming a big Elliott fan. He's unpretentious and his voice is just flawless. There's a lot of potential for Elliott to really shine this week, but I'd most like to hear him sing ...
Bless the Broken Road, by Rascal Flatts. We got to hear Elliott sing some of this during Hollyweird Week and it was awesome. Carrie Underwood actually sang this song WITH Rascal Flatts on the finale show last year, but I think that Elliott could really set himself apart from that ... and do it brilliantly.

Mandisa: She's got a lot of ground to make up for me for her. I think Mandisa's voice is terrific, but I'm tired of being yelled at. She needs to tone it down a little this week and show us that she can do more than BELT. I want to hear her sing and test out her lower register, which she seems to be avoiding like the plague. I think Mandisa would hit a home run with ...

Stand By Your Man, by Tammy Wynette. This one's a no-brainer. She could sing all over her register, still get to belt out some notes and make the country music community go all gushy all at the same time. This is a country classic that Mandisa could pull off with style.

Paris: I'm really looking forward to seeing what Paris does this week. During auditions, she sang a bit of a Dixie Chicks song and it was fantastic. If she can show some real vocal style like that again I'd give her the maddest of props. Paris should sing ...

Longtime Gone, by the Dixie Chicks. From their album HOME, this song has really strong vocals without being all sappy and ballady. I'd be interested to see how Paris' vocals stand up to Natalie Maines; I think she'd do really well. Another good choice for Paris would be ...

Down at the Twist & Shout, by Mary Chapin Carpenter. Great, fun song that would play to her Southern ties and let her wear some ridiculous cowgirl ensemble that I'm sure would be RIFE with fringe.

Taylor: I loved hearing Tay-Z sing last week. No bopping and writhing all over the stage, just terrific singing. I want more. There are lots of songs that Taylor could sing to perfection this week, but I'd most like to hear him sing ...

Crazy, by Willie Nelson Most people know this as a Patsy Cline song, but it was written and recorded originally by Willie Nelson. This song's got depth and soul and would be a great choice for Taylor to show off. Another fun choice would be ...

Drive South, by John Hiatt Taylor's voice reminds me a lot of John Hiatt's and I think he'd rock with one of his songs. Drive South is bluesy and soulful and would be a great choice for Taylor.

Ace: Ace was the one contestant that I really, really struggled with for a song selection. I hope that he surprises me. Another post I read suggested he sing a Collin Raye song (whose title I can't recall), but I am unfamiliar with it. There was some assent in the comments, so maybe that song would be good (whatever that song is). I've really wanted Ace to step it up, but I think his time is running short. By default, I'm suggesting ...

I Can't Tell You Why, by Vince Gill (this is from The Eagles' cover album that I mentioned earlier) I think that this would be an OK song choice for Ace and, if he can get over his nerves and sing to his ability, he could do well. If he wanted to do something more contemporary, he could try ...

Days Go By, by Keith Urban Why not? Ace is hot, Keith Urban is hot. Seems as reasonable a choice as any other.

I know that lots of you are legimate country fans, so I'd love to hear what you're thinking of in terms of song suggestions. I hoping that, true to my southern upbringing, by keeping my expectations hopelessly low, I might be pleasantly surprised by Tuesday night's Ho-Down.

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend & My Dog

Howdy folks! I know I've been pretty down on Country Music as a whole, but I'm doing my best to keep the door of my mind, if not open, then at least slightly ajar in anticipation of this week's "Roundup at the AI Corral".

While I'm actually putting serious thought (laugh all you want, we'll make more) into a list of song suggestions for the Nifty Nine, here's a list of Country songs that I WISH we'd hear on Tuesday.

"Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goal Posts Of Life"
"Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye"
"Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure"
"How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?"
"Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On the Bedpost Overnight?"
"How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life"
"I Can't Fly My Kite No More Cause My Wife Won't Give Me Any Tail"
"I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me"
"I Got Home At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2"
"I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine"
"I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl But It Didn't Run So I Figured We're Even"
"I Knew I'd Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of You"
"I Still MIss You Baby, But My Aim Is Gettin' Better"
"If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby It's Me"
"I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies And I'm Blue All The Time"
"I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying on My Back in My Bed Cryin' Over You"
"I'm Not Married But The Wife Is"
"I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here"
"I've Got Four On The Floor And A Fifth Under The Seat"
"My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breakin' My Heart"
"She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft"
"She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger"
"You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too"
"You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly"

and who could ever forget the classic ...

"I'd Rather Have a Bottle in Front of Me than a Frontal Lobotomy"

On "Three", Girls: "Lisa No En Casa!"

I'm so glad that we've gotten to the "sprint" edition of cutdown night. Without commercials, I think the show lasted about 8.5 minutes. In the spirit of tonight's blindingly fast show, I'm going to keep things relatively brief.

Is it just me, or did the inclusion of Shakira & Wyclef on tonight's show seem more than slightly RANDOM? I mean, sure, they've recorded music in the 21st Century, but did you EVER expect to see Wyclef Jean on American Idol?!? I'll bet that Lauryn Hill was spittin' bullets! Random or not, theirs certainly was a jaunty little ditty, hmm? Did Shakira sing? I was mesmerized by her hippy-hippy shake. Wyclef was coooool as the other side of the pillow, as he tends to be.

So, while I'm glad that Ryan has been easy on the contestants in the suspense department in the past couple of weeks, I really hope he amps it up a little next time. I know that they don't want to sit there and sweat, but watching them do it is one of the best things about cutdown night. Sure, it sucks. But it's fun in an eeee-vil sort of way.

"Mandisa, Chris, Kellie, Taylor and Paris: You may all be excused and grab a bite to eat while I make the top row test the powers of their respective anti-perspirants." I need more than that. I want someone like Chris or Kellie to think ... just for a second ... that they're in danger.

So, the Bottom Three.

Lisa. No surprise there. Ace. Not really a surprise either.and then there was ... Katharine. What the ...?!?

Not only was Kit Kat in the Bottom Three, she got fewer votes than Ace! Now THAT is the shocker that we were looking for tonight. While it's surprising, it just shows y'all that you've gotta vote for your peeps. Normally, I'd have thought that Katharine's appearance in the Bottom Three was the product of voters assuming she'd be safe. After reading the posts this morning, however, I'm pretty sure she just didn't get votes because people didn't like her performance.

So, VOTE people! I know, I know ... I didn't vote much last night either. OK, fine ... at ALL! But it was in protest of the bad perfomances and song choices last night. Get it together you ... you ... Top 9, you!

Tonight, we bid adieu to Lisa Tucker. She seemed to have accepted her fate (long before the actual news was divulged) and I think that this was the right outcome tonight. I think that in a couple of years, she'll be a force to be reckoned with. She carried herself with grace, charm and dignity that defies her years. She's a good kid.

In the meantime, grab yer boots, y'all! Cause we're goin' COUNTRY next week! YEEEEE-HAW! You know ... just in case you haven't had enough Country music on the show yet this season.

The Official Taylor Hicks WHOO! Count

For the Week of March 28, 2006:

The WHOO! Count has been pre-empted this week, as there was absolutely nothing to WHOO! about during last night's show.

*This message is brought to you by Citizens Who Long For the Return of WHOO!*

Welcome to "Cafe Terrible"

Madames et monsieurs ... we welcome you to ze "Cafe Terrible". Tonight, we are offering a wide selection of 'orrible performances, each served with a hot, steaming pile of SNARK on ze side. Bon appetit.

Our maitre'd, Ryan Seacrest, was all polished up and spit-shined this evening, huh? He looked like a cross between Regis Philbin and Johnny Cash. I realize that this isn't Fashion Idol, but I take issue with his color combo tonight. If you're going to wear a blue shirt, wear one that isn't SO dark that people think your blacks are clashing, which is never a good thing.

And what is going on with Paula's hair?? It looks nice and all, but it gets about three shades darker each and every week. I'm a big believer in the whole "better living through chemistry" thing, but go easy with the Nice & Easy, OK?

And please, please tell me that we can't REALLY download Idol performances to our cellphones. Can we? Yech. Just the IDEA of that makes me want to cough up a hairball.

Let's get on with our meal, shall we?

Lisa: Because of You, Kelly Clarkson. I imagine that my reaction to this performance is similar to how Bucky would react to being served sushi. Oh, Lisa. Dear, sweet Lisa. You broke one of the cardinal rules of Idol. Don't perform songs that are signatures of far superior artists. That performance was NASAL as all get out and sharp as a Ginsu knife. And I kept worrying that she was going to yank the extensions out of her hair. Ouch. "Thank you for flying Snarky Airways, Lisa. BUH-BYE."

The Gherkin: Suds In The Bucket, Sara Evans. After that performance, I needed a bucket. Only it wasn't for suds. Kellie needs a good, swift kick in the pants. I've never been her biggest fan, but her performances in recent weeks have been really bargain-basement. While she didn't have the dead-eyed stare of last week, she just seemed disconnected and bored. Which is easy to understand because the song was BORING. Sheesh! My favorite parts of her performance were Marilu Henner's reaction (or lack thereof) and Simon's comments. Simon was my knight in shining, cynical armor tonight.

Ace: Drops of Jupiter, Train. Ace, you should've sung something by Maroon 5. When will the contestants learn that really, really LIKING a song does NOT make you qualified to SING it? Ach. It was better than the previous two, but that's like saying I preferred getting kicked in the shins to being poked in the eyes repeatedly. Also, Ace is QUITE the Nervous Nellie, isn't he? I know, I know ... there are 20 million people watching, but don't you think he'd be over it by now? AND I must take issue with the whole showing the chest scar thing. I mean, I want to see Ace's chest as much as the next gal, but not when you're working the scar into your song a la Elliott and his eye pointing.

Taylor: Trouble, Ray La Montagne. FINALLY! Finally a performance that I could sink my teeth into! I don't know if it was my favorite song -- it was a little repetitive for me -- but I thought that Taylor SANG it great. I just love his voice and I was really glad to hear it. I was really disappointed in him last week, but he really sang to Mama tonight! My only advice to Taylor is to stop rummaging through Ace's closet. Nnnnn-nnnn!

Mandisa: Wanna Praise You, Mary Mary. Alright. I'm going to have to issue a disclaimer before I start in on Mandisa's performance. I am not an atheist, nor am I opposed to anyone expressing their faith or anything like that. But ... UGH. I thought that the song choice was awful; it was the wrong forum for a song like that. And I thought her performance was really screechy and that she screamed the whole thing. I think that this was my LEAST favorite performance of Mandisa's. While I'm sure that Paula was correct when she said there would be lots of new parishoners at the Church of ManDiva, I will not be among them. Too much. I needed a nice, cleansing sorbet after that.

Chris: What If, Creed. Oh, I don't know, Chris ... WHAT IF you hadn't made such an obvious song choice? I must confess that I am, like, Creed's ANTI-fan. I might like them if their lead singer wasn't such a pompous jackrammer, but he is. So, I don't. Anyway, I thought that Chris' performance was very good, but I think he's beginning to seem a little one-dimensional. I happen to think that dimension is going to make him a very rich man, but I'd like to see him soften it up a little next week. He can still be all soulful, but he doesn't have to do the same kind of song week in and week out. OH ... and full *SNAPS* for nipping that whole LIVE thing in the bud right out of the blocks.

Katharine: The Voice Within, Christina Aguilera. So, was I the only one listening to that? What were Simon, Paula and Theodore going on and on about? Maybe I just don't like that song; if Xtina sings it that way, then I probably wouldn't like her version either. I didn't care for it at all. And did Kat borrow an ensemble from Sheila E?? So far, she is far from leading the glamorous life.

Bucky: Real Good Man, Tim McGraw. Bucky is surely a real good man. Too bad this wasn't a real good performance. Bucky was back to his mumbling ways, which really disappoints me. He definitely seemed more comfortable than he has in the past couple of weeks, but I WISH he could sing like he does on his own song (http://www.buckycovingtononline.com/blog.html). The performances he's giving are just not cutting it. I'm afraid that Bucky's might be Bottom 3-bound once again.

Paris: Work It Out, Beyonce. If you closed your eyes, Paris was the clear winner tonight. Her vocal was totally a "ballsy". I thought that watching her, on the other hand, was a little disturbing. She just had way too much going on in the accessory department. Too much with the hair fall, too much with the giant gold doubloon earrings, too much with the boots and the belted thing and the this and the that and the other. Too much. But I still thought she worked it out, pun 100% intended.

Elliott: I Don't Want to Be, Gavin DeGraw. I must say that I've been totally diggin on my funky white boy for the past few weeks. I thought he sounded a bit out of breath tonight, but I imagine that's because he was getting his groove on so thoroughly. For that, I give him credit. This wasn't my favorite vocal performance of his, but I thought he did great and I'm so glad he's showing some personality (not a moment too soon, E-Dizz!)

Overall, I'd say that this meal left a really bad taste in my mouth and that this is a restaurant that I hope I never have to dine in again. If I were Zagat's, I'd be giving the Songs of the 21st Century a 1-star rating, at best.

My guesses for the contestants who're most likely to lose their reservations at next week's event?

Lisa, Buckyand ... Kellie (because she needs it)

Let's Cast Ourselves Into THE FUTURE!

Welcome, seekers of truth! Yessirree, the Mystical Floresta is back and ready to unlock the FUTURE! Now, let us all gather 'round the limited edition Idol Plasma Ball and listen as it reveals its secrets ...

I think ... this will be the most difficult week yet for Los Diez. Yes, my pets ... it ain't gonna be pretty.

I think ... Floresta's fondest wish is for Kellie Pickler to sing In Da Club, by 50 Cent. (C'mon, spirits! Throw a girl a bone!)

I think ... the strongest performance of the night will be brough'en by Paris Bennett. She has the vocal chops to knock our collective socks off, but she's also got the 'tude that goes along with songs from the likes of Beyonce.

I think ... that Simon has been in way too good of a mood in recent weeks and the snarky tone we all know (and secretly love) will be back with a vengeance!

I think ... Lisa is skating on a thin, thin veneer of ice and needs to get it together. Pronto. Otherwise, Lisa will soon be "no en casa".

I think ... Taylor would cause Floresta's flimsy underthings to burst into flames if he were to sing Babylon by David Gray.

I think ... While Chris should acknowledge the spectacle of LIVE-gate (thanks, Magistra!), he should focus more on redeeming himself in the eyes of his fans. We've all come to expect big things from the Bald Wonder ... he needs to show us that we haven't ridden the Chris Train in vain. (This writer has no doubt that the man with the shiny, sexy head will bring it! Just, for the love of all that is right and holy, say NO to Creed!)

I think ... with choices like Maroon 5 and Justin Timberlake out there, it's going to be another falsetto-laden evening for our favorite little snack cake, The Tasty ACE.

I think ... if Bucky knows what's good for him, he'll sing Live Like You Were Dying by Tim McGraw. It's country, so that'd satisfy his base, but it would prove to naysayers that he CAN sing.

I think ... Floresta is sleep-deprived and posted before she was finished.

So, there you have it, kids. Let's hope that someone is really offensively bad tonight, as we need a new target. I am hopeful that tonight's show will be more exciting than last week, but only time will tell!

I think ... I'll see you guys AFTER THE BREAK.

She's Got Electric ... WHAT?

Ciao, fellow Idolaters! I have nothing real to add to the furious debate over Chris Daughtry's "Crimes Against Idol", nor do I have much of an opinion on the songs the contestants should sing this week (I've been an XM Radio listenener for a few years now and am shamefully ignorant of the music of the "Hot 100").

What I DO have is a book that is both a hoot AND a holler. The book is called When A Man Loves A Walnut ... and More Misheard Lyrics. There are a couple of other books in this series: Scuse Me While I Kiss This Guy and He's Got The Whole World In His Pants; if you've missed any of them, please rush out in a buying frenzy. You won't be disappointed.

The books are compilations of misheard lyrics, or "mondegreens" that are hilarity of the highest order. Based on some of the performances during Hollyweird Week, there might be some more songs destined for inclusions in later editions.

Here are some of my faves:

Santana, Oye Como Va
Misheard: "See the comb I bought"
Correct: "Oye Como Va"

Steely Dan, Reelin In The Years
Misheard: "Are you really in the yeast? Stowin' away the tiles? Are you gatherin up the teats? Have you had enough of mine?"
Correct: "Are you reelin' in the years? Stowin' away the time? Are you gatherin' up the tears? Have you had enough of mine?"

Foreigner, Double Vision
Misheard: "My mind is bacon, but my body's Sizzlean"
Correct: "My mind is racin', but my body's in the lead"

George Michael, Father Figure
Misheard: "To be bowling naked at your side"
Correct: "To be bold and naked at your side"

R.E.M., Man on the Moon
Misheard: "Edith was troubled by a horrible ass."
Correct: "Egypt was troubled by the horrible asp."

Olivia Newton-John & John Travolta, You're the One That I Want
Misheard: "You better shape up before you pee the bed."
Correct: "You better shape up 'cause I need a man."

... and one to make America proud:

The Star Spangled Banner
Misheard: "Who brought stripes and fried stars through the barrel of Sprite?"
Correct: "Whose broad stripes and broad stars through the perilous fight."

Is there a song whose lyrics you perpetually butchered before you were able to say, "OHHH! That's what they were saying!" C'mon ... you're among friends and snarkers here.

The one I always heard wrong was from Elton John's Bennie & The Jets. I always heard: "She's got electric boobs and no hair, too" when the real lyrics are "she's got electric boots, a mohair suit" ... I can't imagine why I missed that one!

Do Gherkins Go With Ouzo?

I'm not normally one to take part in (*ahem*) Idol gossip, but there has been rampant speculation that our sweet little Gherkin has broadened her ever-expanding tastes to Greek delicacies, namely Constantine Maroulis.

Has she been sampling the dolmades? We may never know, but I'd be willing to bet that the little minx and our swarthy friend from Season 4 are nothing more than friends. They are in Hollywood, though so, when in Rome ...

Just in case she and Constantine are doing more than swapping recipes for hush puppies, here's an idea of what might happen if a dark and brooding pseudo-angry semi-rocker and a not-so-innocent-or-naive Gherkin were to take that midnight train to Mykonos ...

We'll just call her the "Constantickler" for now. Any name suggestions? Just let me know how this one should be christened.

Goodbye, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Adieu

(*cue Handel's Hallelujah Chorus*)

Ohhh, America. I am so proud! (*sniff*)

Rarely I have been so pleased to be wrong. I have served myself an extra-large slice of Humble Pie on which I can chow down as I blog rhapsodic. Before we get to the Main Event, however, I feel that there are several items which deserve some attention.

Let's get to it.

I must say that I was rather dismayed to see The Divine Ms. M's prediction about Ryan's über-skinny tie come true. At least it wasn't made of leather or plastered with a piano keyboard.
Perhaps it's just me, but I consider such neckwear an example of very poor fashion judgment. Maybe next week he'll break out his Vans and o-ring bracelets.

I thought Big Barry's performance of Love Is A Many Splendored Thing was quite nice, though I must admit I had to close my eyes and just listen to him. It is this writer's opinion that he's a performer who's better heard and not seen. Did anyone else notice that he seemed AWFULLY jittery last night? Perhaps he'd had one too many Frappuccinos or something. Maybe he was just really excited to be near Ryan.

Also, I thought that the Ford commercial last night was better by leaps and bounds than last week's. I loved the video effect; it reminded me of a Missy Elliott or Busta Rhymes video, but for the obvious distinctions. Definitely nowhere near the cheese factor of the camping commercial. Two thumbs up. Fine family fun.

I thought it was really funny that Randy and Paula both wore red shirts. It was like they were trying to form a new club whose slogan is "NO SIMONS ALLOWED!" Do you think he felt left out?

Also, I’m not sure if it actually happened (because the camera never panned back to her), but I think we might’ve seen Paula’s first real tears of the season. And I must say that she managed to give lucid, coherent remarks to Bucky and Kevin as they stood on the AI chopping block. But did she really lump those two in with the likes of Bo Bice, Jennifer Hudson and Clay Aiken? PUH-LEASE!

Now to the nitty gritty.

I thought that the weeding out of the Bottom Three was fairly humane last night. Boom, boom, boom … and there they were. Maybe they wanted Kevin to get maximum face time, but Ryan didn’t seem to drag out the process nearly as much as he usually does. I must admit that I was well and truly floored by Kevin’s presence in the group. Those of you who read my recap the other night know that I don’t think that Kevin gave the worst performance of Tuesday night. I think that honor belongs to Lisa Tucker. I was sure that The Kid’s fan base would have succeeded in what I am sure was an all-out voting blitz.

I had forgotten about another interesting phenomenon of the John Stevens effect. From Season 3, he was the last contestant who elicited such harsh criticism for even being in the competition at all, but he was adored by the same legions of fans who’re supporting Kevin now. Week after week, he’d give painfully bad performances and Simon would rip him to shreds. Voters rallied to “defend” him and he got voted through again and again, watching in agony as more qualified singers left before him. Then, one week when the stars were blissfully well aligned, he and Simon seemed to come to an understanding. He gave a decent performance, Simon gave him nothing but respectful commentary and, lo and behold, John Stevens was the contestant going home on Results Night.

That may just have been what happened this week with Kevin Covais. He was low-key and likeable and he cast aside the cocky swagger that had started to work everyone’s last nerve. Simon wasn’t caustic at all. In fact, his comments to Kevin were downright friendly. This gave dear KevCo the chance to leave on an upswing and his fans graciously relented.

America, you might’ve waited too long, but I do think that Kevin’s exit was the right thing overall. Give yourselves a round of applause.

Now, go get some of that chicken that we’ve all been hankering for!

The Fonz says, "Mashups are COOL."

In spite of my opinions of Kevin's singing over the past few weeks, I must say that I was quite impressed by him this week. Not so much by his singing, which was certainly better that it had been, but by his demeanor. He ditched the cocky attitude and was a nice, normal kid. He's a fine kid and he'll go far in anything he decides to pursue in life. Well, almost anything.

As a tribute to our departed little chick-let, I give you ...

"The Kev" (AYYYYYYYYY!)

Welcome to "Coffee Talk", AI Style

OK ... I'm feeling a little verklempt right now! (*sniffs*) It's just that it's been a long time since I felt such deep personal satisfaction. I'm so overwhelmed, actually, that I don't think I can write a coherent post until tomorrow. Ach I'm dying!

I need to have a moment.

Talk amongst yourselves.

Here's a topic: The Italian Neo Realist Movement in film was neither Italian nor neo nor particuarly a movement.

Discuss.

(If you want, you can talk about the glorious departure--deserved or not--of one Kevin Covais, as well!)

The Official Taylor Hicks WHOO! Count

For the Week of March 22, 2006, the WHOO! count registered: ZERO**

(A side order of "WHOO!" was served up by Paula, who gave us WHOO! x2) Thanks, Paula. Can we get some fries with that?

This message has been brought to you by Citizens Against WHOO!

**I take the absence of WHOO! in a Taylor Hicks performance as a bad sign. This writer feels that the lack of "WHOO!" indicates that Mr. Hicks himself wasn't too jazzed with his performance.

BORN To Hand Jive, Baby!

"Attention seniors. Before the merriment of commencement commences, I hope that your [weeks] with us here at [American Idol] have prepared you for the challenges you face. Who knows? Among you there may be a future [Ella Fitzgerald] or a Rosemary Clooney, and among you young men, there may be a [Johnny Cash], a [Frankie Avalon], or a [Ryan Seacrest]. But you will always have the glorious memories of [American Idol]."

I still think that tonight's theme was lame. Yeah, it was fine I guess, but the performances have little or no application in the real world, as Simon would say. The one exception to that might be Chris, but more on him later. There were a few standouts (some for the wrong reasons), but I'm glad to be through it and am ready to move on to whatever next week's silliness will bring.

Mandisa: I Don't Hurt Anymore (Dinah Washington) She's BAAAAA-ACK! WOW. To borrow a phrase from the Bank of Jackson, MandiNa (*ahem*) really worked it out tonight, dawg! (Get the names right, Randy.) First of all, M-Class LOOKED gorgeous. Great hair, great dress ... just great. You could tell she FELT great, too, which makes all the difference. As far as the substance of her performance is concerned, I mean ... WOW. I thought it was totally FABOO and easily her best performance since she did I'm Every Woman. Any worries for Mandisa? Gimme a break. And hey, if this whole singing career thing doesn't work out for her, apparently Simon thinks she's got one heck of a future as an exotic dancer.

Bucky: Oh, Boy! (Buddy Holly & The Crickets) Gee. Ummm ... well, his hair wasn't as fluffy this week, was it? Oh, boy is right. So, yo. The first problem for Bucky was that he had to follow Mandisa. Talk about being down with two out in the 9th, you know? Just a little pressure on the Buckster. And he just didn't rise to the occasion like I was hoping he might. There wasn't a lot of "oomph" to his vocals tonight and the performance really suffered because of it. He would've done better with an Elvis song to which he could've rocked. Too obvious? Maybe, but it would've worked better for him. Bucky stayed cool as a cucumber during his post-performance interview, but he's probably going to be part of the bottom three tomorrow.

Paris: Fever (Peggy Lee) HUZZAH! I thought that this was one of Paris' best performances. I don't know where that voice comes from, but gosh darn! The kid can SANG! Her performance was terrific; she connected with the song (how, I have no idea ... you shouldn't be able to do that when you're 17, but that's a topic for another post) and just commanded the stage. Her vocals were strong and passionate and I thought she was great. For me, that was one of the top three performances of the night. Oh, and I LOVED the finger waves in her hair; loved the dress ... everything. [I must note that I called to vote for Paris and it was VERY, VERY easy to get through. I called four or five times in a row and got right through every time. Interesting.]

Chris: I Walk the Line (Johnny Cash) Thank GOD they shaved off those dang fool sideburns. OK. When Chris said that he chose this song because Johnny Cash had written it to let his wife know he'd stay true, I guessed that he hasn't yet seen the movie Walk the Line. I understand there was probably some dramatic license there, but if the movie is to be believed, Mr. Cash did ANYTHING but "walk the line". But I'm not here to talk about that. While I don't think this was Chris' best performance, he scored MAJOR originality points by completely re-working this song. I thought it was terrific (who knew that Johnny Cash could be melodic??) I also loved that he did the whole "man in black goes modern" thing. I was sort of expecting Chris to fall short of expectations tonight, but I'm so glad he rose above them!

Katharine: Come Rain or Come Shine (Ella Fitzgerald)Well, the pregnancy rumor mill should be shut down after tonight, huh? That was about as slinky a dress as I've seen in a month of Sundays (but really, who wears that kind of dress on Sunday?) I thought that this was the first time that Katharine really connected with a song. For that reason, I loved the performance. Her voice was beautiful, but it wasn't her best VOCAL. I still think that this was one of her best performances, though. Sounded great, looked beautiful.

Taylor: Not Fade Away (Buddy Holly) What the ...? Did I slip into some sort of Bizarro Idol where Taylor Hicks actually put on a BORING performance? This was NOT Taylor's best night by a LOOOONG shot. I read an article that had said he was going to sing a Buddy Holly song because he's a huge fan. OK, so why in the name of Merry Christmas did he choose THAT? Now, go easy Soul Patrollers. I think Taylor is great ... I've loved him from the start. But I thought his performance was pretty golldarned BAD. The song had, like, two lines and one & a half notes. And I kept expecting the band to break into "Born to Hand Jive, baaaby!" Silly. He can do so much better than that. I am disappointed, to say the least. This shouldn't effect Taylor's standings, but get it together, man! Oh, and he needs to stop wearing pants that are that tight. I can tell what religion he is.

Lisa: Why Do Fools Fall In Love? (Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers) Well, this was the song that I had picked for her to sing and, folks, I'm here to apologize. I don't know what was going on with her tonight, but she just seemed really, really off. It was almost like her mic was goofed up or something. Whatever. I have one question about Lisa: who DRESSES her?? From the neck up, she looked cute as a button. Good hair, good makeup. But her outfit was S-I-L-L-Y. Seriously. Red CFM pumps with capris and a shrug? With an outfit like that, she'd do great on Hollywood Blvd. (Relax, folks ... I know Lisa is a nice girl.) I had predicted earlier that Lisa would likely be the one in the hot seat tomorrow and I didn't see anything tonight that changed my mind. I felt really bad for her because she looked like she was doing all she could not to cry, but thems the breaks, you know?

Kevin: When I Fall In Love (Nat "King" Cole) I hate it when they sit. I don't know why it irks me so much, but it does. I know that it's hard to sing while you're sitting down, but it's just UBER chee-z. And why in the heck did he keep his hand in his pocket for the WHOLE song? Little things like that annoy the crap out of me. Anyway, my question about Kevin goes a little like this: "WHY?? WHY, God, WHY is he here? WHY did you allow him to make that sappy 'I hope I fall in love one day' speech?? Oh, the humanity!" Obvioulsy, I did NOT call to see how hard/easy it was to get through on Kevin's line, but I would imagine that his little b-roll will have the kiddies voting in DROVES. So, I'm sorry to say it, but I can't see any way that he'll be outta there tomorrow. And if I'm being honest, he was loads better than anyone expected him to be. Certainly better than Lisa, and that's the truth.

Elliott: Teach Me Tonight (Brenda Lee) I never thought I'd be in favor of chin pubes, but I really liked Elliott's goatee tonight! I think it really helped his overall look, which was VASTLY improved this week. Also improved this week were Elliott's vocals! Yay! I was pretty disappointed last week, so I'm delighted that Elliott "did his thang, yo". I thought he was great, but for one shining detail. Why does he INSIST on "miming" his lyrics? Where's that star, Elliott? Ohhh ... in the SKY. Great. We've got it now. At least there were no "eye" or "tear" references in his song this week.

Kellie: Walkin' After Midnight (Patsy Cline)So, I actually thought The Gherkin made a monstrous improvement over last week, at least vocally. I'm glad that she had the foresight NOT to sing Crazy, as I think it'd be hard to hear anyone other than Patsy Cline (or Willie Nelson) singing it. I'm sure that she's safe as gold in Ft. Knox as far as the voting's concerned. I have to ask something, though. Was it just me, or did she seem completely detached tonight? She had some kind of nasty "I don't want to be here" look on her face when she first came out onto the stage and, during her performance, she just had that dead, thousand-yard stare like she was remembering a bad experience in 'Nam or something. Did she eat some bad calamari? What the heck was the matter with her? Maybe she was disturbed by the kewpie doll makeup that was plastered all over her face. She was really bringin' me over, man.

Ace: In The Still of the Night (The 5 Satins) Yaaaaaay, Ace! I was a little nervous when I heard him announce that he was going to sing this song. Even Big Barry was a little a-scared. But The Notorious A.C.E. did everything he needed to do tonight and THEN some. I was really pulling for Ace, I must say and I'm glad, because he gave a terrific performance. It wasn't the best performance of the night, but I'd put it in the Top 5, for sure. It's important to note that I called to vote for Ace and it was pretty hard to get through. Lots of busy signals. Definitely a good sign for the Crowned Prince of MMMMMMM.

Here's a final smattering of randomness before I ride off into the sunset.

• Before the end of the season, I want Simon to begin one of his critiques with "Paula, you ignorant slut ..." a la Dan Aykroyd. That would make my day! She needs to pipe down and give the man a chance to get a word in edgewise.
  
• I think that Kevin actually looks a lot more like Frank Perdue than Chicken Little (which can't be good for him).
  
• And I think that our bottom three tomorrow will be: Lisa, Bucky and ... Paris (because Kevin's not going anywhere, folks). After all is said and done, I think that Lisa will be on her way back to The Lion King and the creature comforts of Suburbia.

This has been American Idolatry for the week of March 22, 2006. In the immortal words of Vince Fontaine, "It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's what you do with your dancin' shoes." (Does that sound about right, Paula?)

Puppies, Kittens & Happy, Fluffy Bunnies

Here's an excerpt from a great article posted on MSNBC today, in which it's theorized that Paula, gentle readers, is Idol's most important judge.

"On a recent “American Idol 5” performance show, host Ryan Seacrest asked judge Paula Abdul to compare this year's finalists to past groups.

Here’s what she said: “Ryan, I think that this is the most unique, well-diverse, most-talented and most talked about top 12 that we’ve ever had. There’s not a day that people don’t come up to me and everyone has different favorites, so it’s anyone’s game, and it’s exciting as can be.”

Paula said 50 words, but she actually said not much at all. In Paula’s universe, stating the obvious incoherently qualifies as answering a question that demands subjective, critical analysis ..."

Andy Dehnart, the writer, does some terrific pieces on American Idol, as well as other pop culture phenomena. It's a terrific article ... ENJOY!

Can You Smell The Falsetto In The Air?

(*DEEP BREATH IN*)

Can you smell it?

(*AAHHHHH*)

Yes, campers, that's the sweet scent of American Idol Day! I love the smell of fear and loathing in the morning.

The fear comes from the contestants. As in, "CRAP! If Ace can be in the bottom three, then we are all S-O-freakin-L." The loathing part comes from us, the American Idol faithful. As in, "What in the name of everlasting cripes is KevCo still doing on this show??"

As is my practice on Tuesday mornings, I have consulted the Idol tea leaves and have this to say about this evening's fun-fest:

I think ... that this week's theme is lame. (Hello? Current music, anyone?? Anyone?)

I think ... that the presence of Kevin Covais in the Top 11 is a sure sign of the Apocalypse. Should it continue (his presence, I mean), I'm afraid that the end of the world is nigh.

I think ... that the best performances of the night will be given by Taylor (DUH), Elliott and Katharine. It's time for the cream to rise to the top of this musical latte.

I think ... that in honor of the whole 50s thing, Paula will kick it Laverne & Shirley style and wear a giant, script "P" in her cleavage. (With any luck, said "P" will honk like a clown's "A'OOOOGAH!" horn when she disagrees with Simon.)

I think ... Ace's fans will be voting their hineys off tonight to keep the Crowned Prince of MMMMMM around for at least another week.

I think ... someone will sing Unchained Melody and butcher it even more than Patrick Swayze.

I think ... the evening's Worst Performance Award will go to SchmoCo (THAT'S a tough call, huh?)

I think ... Lisa should be prepared to go home tomorrow night (Kevin's fanbase is way more organized and driven -- by what, I have NO idea) unless she gives the ass-kickinest performance of her life. [NOTE: I'm not saying this is what SHOULD happen, people. It's just the harsh reality of it all.]

I think ... that Bucky will give the most surprisingly good performance of the night. If he actually SINGS, he could do a really good job. YES, I'm serious!

I think ... it's a virtual LOCK that we'll hear the following songs tonight: Unchained Melody (wish for Mandisa), Jailhouse Rock (wish for Bucky) and Johhny B. Goode (wish for Paris).

I think ... that we're going to see some really frightening performances tonight. It's not my wish, people, just my fear.

Can you smell it?

Don't Be Cruel ... With Your Song Selections

I know that everyone goes on ad nauseum about the great music of the 1950s. There certainly is a lot of it, but I think that this theme is a bit, well ... lame. The judges are always going on and on about being current and marketable and singing songs that aren't too old. So they choose the freakin' 50s?? Please. However, what's done is done.

I think, gentle readers, that this theme holds the most promise for Taylor, but there are a couple of others who could pull rabbits out of hats.

Ace: I want this week's episode to be known as "How Ace Got His Groove Back". Ace has actually got some singing ability underneath that delicious exterior, but it's been a while since we've heard it. I was one of the few to enjoy his performance of Butterflies (falsetto and all), but he needs to recapture the greatness of Week 1, when he sang George Michael's Father Figure. Ace needs to play to his female contingent this week. Lucky for him, the 50s were all about making girls swoon. If he's feeling really bold, he could try Chances Are, by Johnny Mathis. I don't think he'd sing this as well as Elliott might, but I think he'd perform it better. Ace's voice is really no match for Johnny Mathis', but their styles are similar in a make-girls-turn-to-mush sort of way.

Aunt Flo's Song Choices for Ace the Face: Chances Are (Johnny Mathis), Venus (Frankie Avalon), Why Do Fools Fall In Love? (Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers) OR Cupid (Sam Cooke)

Taylor: Taylor's got some righteous moves and his performance style is ideally suited for music from this period. Tomorrow night, I want him to SWANG those hips and get down like we all know he can. I know that Ray Charles is kind of an obvious choice for him, but I think he could be greater than great singing a Ray Charles classic. Besides, God only knows what wa-ha-hacky themes Idol's got in store, so he should do a little Ray while he's got the chance.

Aunt Flo's Song Choices for Taylor: I Got A Woman (Ray Charles), That'll Be The Day (The Crickets), Twistin' The Night Away (Sam Cooke) OR Oh, Boy! (The Crickets)

Elliott: While watching Elliott perform is a little bland and boring, LISTENING to him is another thing altogether. Elliott's voice is smooth as silk (That's beautiful ... what is that? Velvet?!?) and it's tailor-made for the ballads of the 50s. I think we'd all been expecting greatness from our friend with the bowl cut on Stevie Wonder night, but were let down. Elliott has a solid chance to redeem himself if he makes the right choice. After hearing him sing Moody's Mood For Love, I know that he'd hit a home run with Orange-Colored Sky by Nat "King" Cole. I don't think for one second that he'll choose it, but I can still dream, right?

Aunt Flo's Song Choices for Elliott: Orange-Colored Sky (Nat "King" Cole), Chances Are (Johnny Mathis) OR Smoke Gets In Your Eyes (The Platters)

Mandisa: Simon has made no secret of the fact that his favorite song of all time is Unchained Melody. As a result, each season we are treated to a fantastic butchering of this classic. We know that someone is going to sing this song, but I think that there are only two (possibly three) people with the chops to pull it off. Of these, I would most like to hear Mandisa belt it out. I get chills just thinking of it (the good kind; not the "Kevin just sang Part-Time Lover" kind). If she decides to go with something more up-tempo, I'd love to hear her take a stab at something that's just ooooooozing with soul.

Aunt Flo's Song Choices for Mandisa: Unchained Melody (The Righteous Brothers) OR Ain't That A Shame (Fats Domino)

Katharine: Katharine's voice is rich, smooth and fantastic to listen to. All she needs to complete her package is a new stylist (READ: no more empire waists, Kat) Anyway, her voice is pure and sultry and would lend itself beautifully to a song by Rosemary Clooney. Katharine has sung her share of ballads, so I think she should amp it up a bit. What I'd really like to hear her sing is Mambo Italiano, but I'm a realist and (even though I am Italian--by marriage--and LOVE this song) know that people will see it as politically incorrect. Whatever. The point is that Rosemary Clooney has a songbook of such depth, character and sass that Katharine would kill with any number of her songs.

Aunt Flo's Song Choices for Katharine: Come On-A My House (Rosemary Clooney) OR Tenderly (Rosemary Clooney)

Paris: I think that Paris is at her best when she's sportin' some attitude (she certainly has plenty of it, I must say). Her performance last week was full of sass and she owned the stage. I think she'd do great with something unexpected like Chuck Berry or Elvis. No one ever expects the girls to sing songs that were recorded by men, or vice versa. I think she's got the confidence and groove to pull off any number of Elvis songs. But Paris, whatever you do, try and turn the attitude down a few notches once the performance is over, hmm?

Aunt Flo's Song Choices for Paris: Blue Suede Shoes (Elvis) or Johnny B. Goode (Chuck Berry)

Lisa: I can't get excited enough about Lisa to have much to say about her, which is sad. She has a nice voice and she seems like a nice girl from a nice family. She's nice. But "nice" is nothing to get all hot & bothered over. I think that with a bit of training and maturity that Lisa will blossom into a really good performer. She's certainly got a good voice on which to base all of that. But everything that she sings is just, sort of ... there. Right now, though, I think that all she needs is a satin sash and a tiara to complete her image, which just screams "pageant contestant" to me. There's no spark with her, nothing to get all revved up about. That said, she's got a good voice and a decent range, so she could do well this week.

Aunt Flo's Song Choices for Lisa: Why Do Fools Fall In Love? (Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers)

Kellie: For me, Kellie is about as welcome as a splinter under my fingernail. Yes, she's cute, but her blitzy donde bit is working my last nerve. I think that she can sing OK, but she's not great. To me, everything she does and says just seems so ... contrived, you know? Me thinks she doth "hick it up" a bit too much. Anyway, her voice is obviously suited better to country music and, while I don't really want to hear anymore of that, there are plenty of songs by Hank Williams that she could probably nail.

Aunt Flo's Song Choices for The Gherkin: Your Cheatin' Heart (Hank Williams, Sr.)

Bucky: Bucky needs to get himself out of the country mode and fast. I think he did much better than expected singing Superstition last week, but he needs to keep improving if he wants to continue in this competition. I know that he's a good ol' boy and that country music, NASCAR and Bucky go together like biscuits and gravy, but he's gotta show he can do something else. With 50s week, he should switch it up with a little rockabilly or really knock our socks off (then what would we wear to the sock hop?) with a little Elvis.

Aunt Flo's Song Choices for Bucky: Move It On Over (Hank Williams, Sr.), All Shook Up (Elvis Aaron Presley)

Chris: Chris is at his best when he's a-rockin'. I think that he needs to give a performance that doesn't shoehorn him into this Creed-like little box that he's nestled in so comfortably right now. I think that he's got more tricks than the one that we've seen over the past few weeks. Don't get me wrong ... I REALLY like that trick, but I'd like to see more from him. There are plenty of songs from the 50s that will give Chris the opportunity to rock around the clock without having to go all "Nickelback" on us.

Aunt Flo's Song Choices for Chris: Heartbreak Hotel (Elvis Aaron Presley), Long Tall Sally (Little Richard) or Johnny B. Goode (Chuck Berry)

Kevin: I'm not going to spend this paragraph ranting about Kevin's lack of talent. I got most of that out of my system over the weekend. We know that Kevin is a balladeer and I think this whole 50s thing might actually help him. If he chooses the right song, that is. Personally, I'm hoping that he chooses the WRONG song, but I've already said that I won't spew about that right now. I think it's a lock for him to sing Donna, by Ritchie Valens. It's a nice, steady, gooey love song that's age-appropriate and that would be good for his limited range.

Aunt Flo's Song Choices for SchmoCo: Donna (Ritchie Valens), (this is one of the aforementioned "wrong" song choices) Purple People Eater (Sheb Wooley), OR (if there is a God) The Chipmunk Song

As a Southern woman (well, my mom is, anyway), I have been trained to keep my expectations very low. This should come in handy for this week's show. I'm not going in to this with any overblown expectations like I had last week. That only led to heartache and the need for lots of Alka-Seltzer.

Here's to hoping that the Top 11 bring us some pleasant surprises (*plop, plop, fizz, fizz ...*)

Rhythm Is A Many Splendored Thing

I spent much of Sunday in mourning. Mourning the loss of my beloved Maryland Terrapins to Manhattan in the first round of the NIT. Yes, in the great race to see who'd be crowned as the 65th best basketball team in the nation, the Terps lost in the FIRST ROUND. Sensing my bitterness, Mr. Floresta, in an act of great selflessness, presented me with tickets to see The English Beat at a club near our home.

Not that many of you care, I'm sure, but The English Beat is one of my all-time favorite bands. And I must say that Dave Wakeling's voice hasn't changed a bit since they started making music in the early 80s. But this information is, for the most part, immaterial. The reason that I'm bringing this little concert up is that this band's performance value is off the charts good. They've got style, they've got groove, they've got rhythm and great music, to boot.

This got me thinking, at least indirectly, about our Top 11 and who I would actually have any interest in seeing LIVE. I was sad to realize that there aren't many for whom I'd be willing to shell out the cost of concert tickets and all of the drinks and tchochkies that go with going to a live show.

I could see myself watching Katharine in a small club atmosphere, where I could sip a cocktail while drinking in her rich voice. But she's not really CONCERT material, in the traditional sense.
Chris is a no-brainer here. He's got arena rock written all over him and I'm sure that he'll go far, whether Fuel picks him up (that would certainly give THEIR lagging popularity a boost) or whether he's forms a new band called The Sideburns or whatever. The type of music that he performs is more the taste of Mr. Floresta, but I think he'd happily spend the beaucoup dolares to see Mr. Daughtry.

Taylor. Taylor, Taylor, Taylor. Yeah ... I'd go to see him in a heartbeat. I think that he's got everything he needs to put on an awesome, well-rounded show. I think smaller venues would suit him well and he's got a great future tapping into the older contemporary market, as well as those who were introduced to Ray Charles by Jamie Foxx.

Mandisa is another one whose voice rocks, but she strikes me as more of a recording artist. I wouldn't be surprised to hear her go in more of a gospel direction, either, so I don't really see her as LIVE bait, so to speak.

Beyond those four, though, I can't imagine anyone else performing live (outside of the AI tour) and I certainly wouldn't have any interest in actually paying money to see them. Elliott has a great voice, but as a performer, he's pretty bland. I have already made my stance on Kellie's squatting perfectly clear (Bucky's wide-legged stance falls under that umbrella, as far as I'm concerned).

Would you pay to see any of the Top 11 live? Seriously. I know we each have the contestants we support, but would you actually shell out the $50+ that concert tickets usually cost? Let me know who you'd like to see live and why.

While you're thinking about it, please think on my Terps with kind thoughts. At least they'll get to go on Spring Break this year. (*SIGH*)

Pick Me Up Before You Go-Go

As yesterday was St. Patrick's Day, a great many of us who are of legal drinking age (and ONLY us, I'm sure) spent time haunting the pubs, bars and taverns of this rhythm nation. After Mr. Floresta and I returned from the Regal Beagle last night, I got to thinking about some of the silly pick-up lines people had used on me in the past. Believe me, I've heard some doozies.

I want to hear from you, gentle readers. What is the WORST pickup line you've ever heard or used. Did it work?

Here are my two "Hall of Fame" lines (and yes, these were actually used on me by actual people):

"So, I'm looking at your elbow and I'm thinking to myself, 'What's a nice joint like that doing in a girl like her?'" (I immediately ran to the bathroom to produce the technicolor yawn)

And the granddaddy of them all ...

"If you were a candy store, my mouth would be full of cavities." (I shot him on sight. He just needed killin'. Now Earl's in the trunk.)

[NOTE: I'm just kidding about the killing part, of course. Don't get all excited.]

A "Very Special" American Idolatry

After last night's results show, I'm hungry for a little KFC. That's Kentucky Fried Covais, dontcha know?

I shouldn't really be this bothered by a 16-year-old, but I have had just about enough of Kevin Covais. I am sure that he's a nice kid. I'm sure that he's smart. But the qualities that made him so "squish"-worthy (I'm not even sure what that means, exactly) in the beginning are now morphing into conceit, arrogance and cockiness. If it wasn't enough for America to vote him out based on his lackluster singing ability, MAYBE he'll start annoying people enough that he'll get voted out sooner, rather than later.

After reading countless posts questioning the sanity of the American voting public and the downright FURY that people are expressing about Chicken Little, I decided to work up some extra-special mashups.

**As always, these are all in jest, so don't go getting your knickers in a big ol' bunch, kay?**

In the beginning, people were comparing Kevin to Anthony Federov from Season 4 ... nice kid, OK voice.

**NOTE: I was unable to mashup Kevin with Season 3 contestant & all-around nice boy John Stevens (another comparee), as his skin is pinker than pink and Kevin's is, well ... PASTY on even the best day.**

As he became more annoying, KevCo was compared to the far less appealing, sometime criminal Scott Savol ...

After last night's show, however, I think it's clear that KevCo is really a Little Devil ...

(Isn't that SPECIAL?)

Crossroads Seem To Come and Go (Yeah)

So, the soap opera that is American Idol wasted no time switching it into high gear, huh? I'm sure I am not alone in the Idolosphere when I say that in this world (the American Idol world, not the REAL world), there is no justice. Wait. IS there justice in the real world? Never mind. That's a topic for another day. I digress.

Am I one bit surprised by the elimination of Melissa McGhee? Nope. Am I sad to see her leave? Quite.

But there were a few surprises ...

The bottom three are ... WAIT! WHO?? What? Did you get the license plate number of the bus that just knocked me flat? The bottom three are Melissa, Lisa and ... ACE?? This is NOT going to help my I.B.I. (Idols Batted In) average even a little. I was truly surprised to see Ace in the bottom three. Granted, his performance last night wasn't his best (OK, fine. I didn't like it at all. Sue me.) but he's ACE YOUNG for cripes sake! America's sensitive, beanie-wearing, your-clothes-would-look-so-great-balled-up-at-the-foot-of-my-bed, come-hither boy! Where were all of the "Ace is SOOOOO HOTTTTT" people? Don't you VOTE? God help you when you're old enough to elect a President. Tonight's show was not only a wake-up call for Ace himself, but also for his fans. The legions of girls in the audience who were shrieking in anguish at the possibility that Ace the Face might be gone should remember to VOTE, VOTE, VOTE.

**NOTE: Did you notice that Ace's brother (in the audience every night) appears to be even more sensitive and have even bigger "hold me" eyes than Ace himself? WOW. Good genes in that family!**

Also, LISA?? Wha-wha-WHAAAT? Has she been boring? Yeah. Has she been BAD? Not really. Just forgettable. The fact that she languished in the bottom three while Kevin Covais (that little knob rocket) and The Gherkin were safe is nothing short of a travesty. Is it just me, or is Kevin starting to look just a little too smug? I am liking him less and less by the second.

Right or wrong, we say goodbye to Melissa McGhee. She seemed to feel that the elimination was a foregone conclusion, which I think it probably was. She handled herself gracefully this evening and, after her performance last night, she should have no regrets.

Before I close, I have one MAJOR bone to pick with FOX. Not ONLY does their show require that the eliminatee sing their Song of Shame (thanks, Mags!), but tonight, they cut before she even got started. If they're not going to broadcast the golldarned song, then what's the point, really? They're nothing but a bunch of ass-faced jackknockers (did anyone else watch The Loop?)

The Official Taylor Hicks WHOO! Count

For the Week of March 14, 2006, the WHOO! count registered: 1

Well-done,Taylor! Keep up the good work.

This message has been paid for by Citizens Against WHOO!

Blame It On The Gherkin

WHOO!

It's 11:06 EST, do you know where your votes are? The show is over, the voting's well underway, I have a tall, yet sparkling, beverage and I'm ready to "gets to steppin'". THIS is American Idolatry.

I was delighted to see that Ryan had left the tie-tack in his jewelry box, but is it just me or did anyone else think that if you were to put some black, horn-rimmed glasses on him, he'd look like a science teacher circa 1958? But we're not here to talk about him, are we?

The stylists certainly seemed to sink their teeth right into our Top 12, didn't they? For some, it wasn't a moment too soon. But, I must say that for the MOST part, everyone looked pretty golldarned good!

My final random thought is that I was seriously disturbed by hearing 500+ people go "WHOOMP! WHOOMP! WHOOMP!" as Randy's collective Dawg Pound. I mean, I know he's doing his thang, yo, but ENOUGH already. Sheesh. We GET it. You're oh-so "with it". You're also oh-so Arsenio Hall circa 1988.

So, I thought tonight's show was FULL of surprises. I had said earlier that we'd see some greatness and some awfulness, and we certainly did. It's just that the greatness came from places that I hadn't expected. The scariness, however, came from EXACTLY the places I'd expected. Not a lot of "WHOO!", but my "Come On"-o-meter is pegged in the Red Zone.

Ace: Do I Do This is the song that I thought Elliott should have sung, but I was interested to hear that Ace had chosen it instead. And isn't it nice to see that Ace is so sensitive? Those tears should play to his female contingent. So, I'll give Ace a little credit because he had to go first. A little. OUCH. The first few notes of the song let you know that this was going to go badly. By the time he got to the snappy little syncopated part, I was just aching for it to end. Then he threw in a "come on" for good measure. Never a good sign. I was glad to see it end. Was he the worst of the night? NO. But it was still pretty bad. Off-key, pitchy, sharp ... whatever. NOT good.

**I have to give Randy some credit for not disappointing us. Right out of the blocks, he made sure he let us know that Stevie Wonder is one of the best singers in the KNOWN WORLD. Thanks for the update.**

Kellie: Blame It On The Gherkin (oops ... I mean "SUN") Well, she certainly looked lovely, didn't she? She looked a tad like a Barbie, but she looked good. And at least she was able to get her shoes on sale, so she's got that going for her, which is nice. Before I go shredding her, I will say that she was better than I THOUGHT she would be. She still wasn't good, but she wasn't as horrifying as I was expecting. Notwithstanding that, she was flat, boring and completely uninteresting. It was musical dreck. But we'll see her again next week (and the week after that ...)

Elliott: Knocks Me Off My Feet So yo, yo. This wouldnt have been MY first choice, but Elliott was still good. This performance wasn't nearly as good as it could've been, but he had the luxury of following The Gherkin, so anything would've been OK. I was unaware, but apparently, Elliott's got the "flava vibe" (all credit to Randy for pointing this out), which I would imagine is a good thing and not some kind of nervous condition. So anyway, for me, it was just a'ight. Good enough to keep him around, for sure, but just A'IGHT.

Mandisa: Don't You Worry About A Thing. For me, this was the biggest disappointment of the night. I had prepped myself to hear Mandisa blow the doors off of the theatre, but it was only OK. Her lower register was really off tonight and she sounded really shaky to me. I loved the fact that she hated her girlie shoes and that she had Ryan take them off. I'm not sure I needed to know that her ankles were moist, but I'll leave that one alone. Anyway, I thought she did well enough, but I think she could've done worlds better.

Bucky: Superstition. I knew that SOMEONE would sing this song and I wasn't surprised that it was Bucky. Didn't he just have some bouncin' and behavin' hair tonight, though? He looked just like a Breck girl! To me, it (the song, not his hair) sounded like everything else he's sung, except THIS time I was able to understand everything he was saying. I thought that this was the best he's been to date.

Melissa: Lately. I thought that this was the point where the show really got going. I was worried for Melissa when she said she'd been having trouble with her voice, but I thought she did GREAT. She had a couple of sharp notes, but I thought that she sang the song powerfully and with emotion that was completely believable. It was a BALLAD and I LIKED it! Who'd have thunk it?? I know that she messed up her lyrics a little, but most people didn't notice (or care), I'm sure. I think that she did what she needed to do tonight. Whatever happens, she should have no regrets.

Lisa: Signed, Sealed, Delivered (I'm Yours). Uh oh ... the "Come-On-O-Meter" is buzzing. Aww, Lisa ... don't do that. If you deliver a good performance, people WILL get up without any extra encouragement from you. Anyway, she was miles better than she's been since the Round of 24 began. She gave us too much "WHOO!", but I'm over it already. I'm glad that she opted not to sing a ballad tonight. I don't think I liked her as much as the judges seemed to, but I think she's back on the right track.

Kevin: Part-Time Lover. HA! I put this in my song selections list as a total goof! So, when did Kevin get hair? Are they giving the contestants some kind of super-vitamin or something? Anyway, I must give Kevin mad props for being the most self-assured, confident kid I've ever seen. And he certainly gives the show some comic relief. There's another show for that, though. It's called Last Comic Standing. This contest is for SIN-GING. That VOICE! OY! It is just PAINFUL! I'm glad that he did more than stand and look like a deer stuck in headlights, but was he actually doing pelvic thrusts?? OOH! My eyes are STILL burning! This sucked with more force than a black hole. He's still gonna get voted through, though.

Katharine: Until You Come Back To Me. The only bad thing I have to say is that Katharine needs to STOP with the empire waists. I don't know what the story was with that dress, but it looked like she lifted it from Carole Brady's closet. But I must give credit where credit is due. Katharine was in-freaking-credible tonight. LOVED her! She is a force to be reckoned with, for sure, and I'm sure we'll be seeing a lot more of her. Simon said it best tonight: "Katharine, you're good!" Nuff said.

Taylor: Living For The City. Loved IT! He is just Mr. Consistent, isn't he? No "WHOO!", just great, great performing. He is like a man POSSESSED. By what, I'm not sure, but I like it! And I was very happy to see that all that the stylists did to his hair was to COMB it. He looked good ... almost (dare I say) Clooney-esque? He deserves no SNARK whatsoever. LO-VING HIM!

Paris: All I Do. FINALLY! Where has she been hiding?? THIS was the Paris that we saw in the auditions. I thought she performed brilliantly (though I could've done with a little less of the head jiggle thing ... maybe I'm just bitter because I can't do that!) Really, my only problems with Paris' performance stem from her outfit. I liked the pink jacket, but that skirt was a giraffe's butt (you know: high anus?) and I don't know what was up with that pink laciness. How-EVER, I thought she sang great and performed great and that's really what it's all about, now, isn't it?

Chris: Higher Ground. I KNEW he would choose this! Was it predictable? Sure. Was it great? Yep! What was the story with those "road to nowhere" sideburns, though? I love that they gave his dome a clean, close shave and that they had him shave off the goatee, but those sideburns were ridiculous in the true sense of the word. Anyway, this performance was GREAT. I thought it was funny that the judges clearly haven't heard the Red Hot Chili Peppers' version of this song (which was, ironically, the only way that Chris knew it). They didn't know how he was going to put a rock edge on it. DUH! He'd already heard someone else do it! I give him credit, though, for not mimicking Anthony Keidis, which would've been pretty easy for him to do. GREAT!! Anyway, snaps to the judges for staying musically relevant.

After tonight's performances, it's really hard to say who might be leaving tomorrow. Going in, I think that Melissa and Bucky were skating on the thinnest ice. I think that's still probably true. Kevvie-poo's fan base is hell-bent on getting him into the next round, so he'll be back. I think that Bucky's got a healthy fan base that may keep him around (think about how many NASCAR fans there are; Bucky lives in what is their "Mecca"). I think Melissa's performance was really good tonight, but I fear that she might get sent home anyway. I hope I'm wrong.

Predic-TIONS: Part Deux

Ahhh ... the moment is nearly upon us. I've got TiVo locked and loaded and my snark-o-meter has been fully calibrated.

Can you feel the excitement in the air? Can you smell the pure, unadulterated terror oozing from the contestants? Well, they have much to fear, I'm afraid. The music of Stevie Wonder is not for untalented lackeys. I don't think there's much chance of us hearing a BORING performance tonight. I think we'll hear some greatness. We may hear several performances that make packs of dogs appear outside your windows as you watch, but we shant be bored.

With that, let the games begin ...

I think ... that Mandisa & Elliott have the best chances at having knock-em-dead performances tonight. Elliott's already proven that he can master The Masterblaster and Mandisa's got the talent for sure.

I think ... at least one female contestant will hyper-accessorize.

I think ... that Randy is going to need to delve deeper into his cache of stock phrases if he's going to make it through 12 performers. We can only be told that "Stevie Wonder is one of the greatest songwriters in the known world" so many times. While we're on the subject, I wonder if there are better songwriters in the UN-known world. Hmm ...

I think ... that if Taylor has as much fun as he did last week and if he leaves his "WHOO!"s in the Red Room, he should be able to kick some musical derriere (too bad he can't use his harmonica!)
I think ... that there are no two contestants in greater danger than Melissa and Bucky. I think that Melissa got through by the narrowest of margins last week, so she's going to have to show people that she's deserving of a spot on that stage. It's also possible that she's going to get some backlash from the Ayla-philes who feel that she's to blame for Ms. Brown's eviction (yes, I think it's silly, too). Bucky is going to find himself WAY out of his comfort zone tonight, and he's another one for whom song choice will be key.

I think ... that Paula & Simon will, for reasons unknown to those with discerning ears, kiss the back end of The Gherkin. Can you say, "Cha-ching?" Yes, we get it. She's highly marketable.

I think ... that Lisa had better step up her game if she wants to stay in this competition. She's been patently boring for three weeks running and America will not stand for that. She's a fan of Jimi Hendrix and can play guitar, so why in the name of Neo isn't she showing that side of her personality in her singing? If she gives another sub-par performance, I think she's been forgettable enough that she could find herself heading back to Suburbia in a hurry.

I think ... that Paula will tell everyone how nice they look.

I think ... that Kevin Covais ought to thank his lucky stars he's made it this far.

I think ... that Ryan will wear a skinny tie with a far-too-big-and-shiny tie tack. I actually think the tie-tack is a sophisticated mind-control device designed to make people vote for Kevin Covais.

I think ... that the worst performances of the evening will be turned in by Kevin, Bucky and Le Petit Cornichon (The Gherkin).

I think ... that Ace will wear an extra-special beanie tonight.

I think ... Paula will show more cleavage than should be allowed on a "G" rated show.

I think ... when it's all said and done, the contestant leaving our good graces this week will be Melissa McGhee. (I'm not saying that would be my choice, but I think it's likely.)

I think ... I'll see y'all after the show. ENJOY!

Idol Wars: The Mashups Strike Back

As I've mentioned, I am an equal-opportunity offender, so you can expect to see each contestant and judge in the MASHUPS feature at least once.

For those of you who are taking things way too seriously, please just get over it. I spend an inordinate amount of time in front of my computer and, as such, have picked up some moderate skills. This is just my Idol mania coming to life. If U still think I'm mean, u don't no what ur talking about. (*dismounts from soapbox*)

It is my honor and privelege to introduce the latest contestants in American Mashups!

"Taylissa"

"Maylor"

Idols Reincarnated?

Since this season of American Idol has started, there have been lots of comparisons drawn between some of this year's contestants and those from previous years. Taking that idea and running with it, I have some extra-special mashups that I'd like to share with you. Judge for yourselves!

Mikalah Gordon vs. Brenna Gethers

Personally, I think that Mikhala was far more endearing than Brenna. Yes, she was annoying as h-e-double toothpicks, but at least she wasn't a money-grubbing hosebeast.

Constantine Maroulis vs. Ace Young

Other than the fact that they have similar hair, I don't really get the comparisons of Constantine and Ace. Constantine was the Crowned Prince of Brooding, while Ace is just all sweet and sensitive. I'll grant you that they both have some serious bedroom eyes, but their singing styles couldn't be more different. But as EVERYONE else seems to think they're exactly alike, here you go!

Revenge of the Mashups

I couldn't let the Divine Miss Brown leave our good graces without paying homage to her, as well. By the time the season is over, I hope to have given everyone their "due" ...

With that, I present:

"Aylaott" or "Elliya" (I'll let y'all choose)

You Can Run, But You Can't Hide ... From STEVIE!

So, the theme for next week's is Stevie Wonder, hmmm? Even though the contestants have been running Little Stevie into the ground, I think that this has the potential to really separate the wheat from The Gherkin. I'm having some Innervisions that this could be pretty scary. But it could also be GREAT!

I've read lots of posts that classify Stevie Wonder's music as "boring" or a "snoozefest". I just don't GET that. His music--well, everything he recorded up to about I Just Called to Say I Love You--is flawless. Groovy, funky and, in many cases, beautifully melodic, his songs are complicated and will challenge even the most seasoned of singers.

I think that in the auditions, many hopefuls choose his songs because they know that if they nail them, they're shoo-ins for the Hollywood round (and in rounds thereafter). And why not? If Stevie Wonder can do it, why not Kevin Covais or Bucky Covington? Stevie Wonder makes what he does look sooo easy that all of these hacks think they can pull it off just as effortlessly. Guess again! The Songbook of Stevie Wonder is one of the most dangerous traps an Idol contestant call tumble into. If you rock a Stevie Wonder song, you can rock just about anything. If you go down in flames (which many of the contestants WILL), your only hope is that someone else crashes and burns more spectacularly than you.

There is one saving grace from last night's results, as far as this theme is concerned. I don't think I could have handled hearing Will Makar sing Masterblaster. No one should be forced to listen to something that devoid of soul. Gedeon would have kicked butt with this theme though (not that I'm bitter that he's gone or anything.) Whatever. I'm over it.

All I ask, really, is that NO ONE sing You Are The Sunshine of My Life or Ribbon in the Sky (I'm sure that someone WILL). With that, here are the songs I think our Top 12 should sing next week (even though they're probably rehearsing already):

Ace: My Cherie Amour
Taylor: Uptight (Everything's Alright) or Signed, Sealed, Delivered (I'm Yours)
Chris: Higher Ground (no the Red Hot Chili Peppers are NOT the ones who wrote that)
Bucky: For Once In My Life
Kevin: Part-Time Lover (just 'cause I think it'd be really funny)
Elliott: I Believe or Do I Do (he would totally jam on that syncopated stuff)
Mandisa: Sir Duke or I Wish
Paris: Boogie on Reggae Woman
Katharine: Overjoyed (I know that Sway just did this, but she can do it right)
Lisa: Hey Love
Melissa: Living For The City
The Gherkin: Fingertips (yes, I know it's an instrumental)

I'd love to hear what y'all have to say. What do you think of the theme? What would you like to hear (or NOT hear, as the case may be!)

WTYM!