Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Beware The Frickles

Whilst en vacaciones with Mr. Floresta, I had occasion to eat at a joint called The Island Cow (Sanibel Island, FL). As I perused their menu, I noticed one very, very disturbing, yet intriguing selection.

Frickles.

"What, pray, are frickles?", you may ask yourself. Well, dear readers, Frickles are deep-fried dill pickle slices. And they are just as revolting as you might imagine. Given my ever-increasing loathing of one Kellie Pickler, I HAD to order them. How could I not? I owed it to myself ... and to you.

This little item is one of the wa-ha-hackiest food-ities that I've run across. What's the most peculiar thing you've seen on or ordered from a menu?

If nothing else, after having seen, ordered and consumed FRICKLES, I now have a choice new nickname for Pickler. I think it suits her.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Bring Me The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!

Hi, Kids! The word of the day is "REGICIDE". The broad definition of regicide is the deliberate killing of a monarch, or the person responsible for it. I hereby cite FOX and 19 Entertainment for committing such a high-ei-nous act of tyranny on the world of music.

Seacrest did, indeed, lighten up on the scruffiness (a good call, for sure). I think he should've worn more grey, though. Would that have been possible?? Normally, Seacrest prides himself on being the picture of sartorial elegance, but he's been really shoddy this season. His couture this evening sort of reflected the judges' attitudes tonight, too. They couldn't have been less interesting. Simon just didn't seem up to his usual brand of barbs. Someone should switch him to decaf before next week, so he's extra testy. Even Paula didn't provide much entertainment and we can almost always count on her to say something ridiculous.

Bucky: Fat Bottomed Girls. WOW. Who'd have thought we'd hear the words "Left alone with big Fat Fanny, she was such a naughty nanny, heap big woman, you made a bad boy out of me" on FOX primetime? It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I give Bucky and FOX full marks for selecting and allowing this song, respectively. HOW-EV-UH ... do you think it would've been too much trouble for Bucky to attempt more than, say, three notes? Hmm? This is a great, great song and Bucky's rockabilly interpretation just didn't quite get there for me for him. He had ab-fab hair tonight, though. Mine should look so good! But that's between me and my stylist. Overall, Bucky wasn't the worst of the night, but he's certainly in the hunt.

Ace: We Will Rock You. No, Ace, you won't. And you didn't. And you probably won't have the chance again. When the founding members of one of the greatest rock bands in history tell you that your silly arrangement sucks in such a way as to disrupt the space-time continuum, you should L-I-S-T-E-N to them for cripes sake! First of all, this song doesn't provide the best showcase for vocal talent. Freddie Mercury could sing anything and make it sound operatic. You, Mr. Young, must be somewhat more careful than he. Ace should have listened to Aunt Flo & Cousin Jenn and sung Play the Game. It still might've blown dead bear, but at least he could've worked his falsetto and SUNG. Instead, he was left to informing the audience that he "rocked" and working the dreaded self-clap. Repeatedly. Bye, bye Ace.

The Gherkin: Bohemian Rhapsody. Let me start by saying that this wasn't the B-Movie horror show that I was expecting. Given that Kellie had to sqeeze a 7-minute rock magnum opus into 1 minute, 20 seconds, I think she did pretty well. Obviously, she holds nary a candle to the original--she didn't even come close to Constantine Maroulis--but I think she did well enough to stay safe for another week (much to my chagrin). While she was better this week, she still has that marionette look about her. My biggest problem with her is that she cannot handle all of the running around on stage. She's got two moves (three, if you count The Squat): (1) shake head and tousle hair and (2) drop to knees to make men think of a good healthy boinkfest. She should be particularly careful on a night when she's wearing dominatrix boots with 5 inch heels. The steps are just too tricky.

Chris: Innuendo. I thought Chris was great tonight. I think that this choice was a ballsy and the only real risk was that most people have never heard it. I think it's possible that people will find it a little boring, but I think he did great. However, I would recommend to the makeup artists that if they're going to give Chris the brooding eye look, either go all the way (a la Billie Joe Armstrong) or freakin' forget it. The makeup wasn't heavy enough to look "rock" ... it just made me say, "Hey ... Chris is wearing eyeliner." He needed more lip gloss to give him that nice dewy glow.

**NOTE: As alert & ever gentle reader ncidolwatcher pointed out, while Paula was mostly quiet and useless during the show, did she did have one real doozie."BLAH BLAH BLAH Queen never performed this song live BLAH BLAH BLAH because they couldn't do it justice the way you, Chris Daughtry, could." She should be drawn and quartered for saying something so ridiculous. They didn't perform it LIVE because Freddie Mercury died just after the album was recorded. To my knowledge, the only time any of the songs from this album (Innuendo) were performed live was during a tribute concert for Freddie Mercury at Wembley Arena (These Are The Days Of Our Lives, Lisa Stansfield/George Michael). Paula should be ashamed of herself.**

Katharine: Who Wants to Live Forever. Look at the big brains on Kat! She must be eating at Big Kahuna Burger these days because deciding to sing this song was S-M-R-T: SMART (Simpsons fans UNTIE!) First of all, she FINALLY looked good. Good hair, good outfit. Good lighting. I'm so glad she didn't sing Don't Stop Me Now. I think it would have been a big ol' mess and she would've sounded all silly. She hit a couple of notes that made me want to run and hide beneath my pillow, but I think she did VERY well.

Elliott: Somebody to Love. I have a question. How is it possible to get through life and not hear this song? Between the umpteen tons of airplay the original gets, not to mention George Michael's cover version, how is it escapable? Anyway, this was the song I had picked for E-double to perform and I think he did pretty well. The beginning was decidedly rough. Scary, even. But once he got to the first chorus, he was doing great. My only real problem with his performance was that he made the song seem all ... happy. This song is about pain and suffering and being full of anguish and loneliness. Elliott gave it too much bounce and pep; not enough feeling.

Taylor: Crazy Little Thing Called Love. I'm officially petitioning to change Taylor's name to "Microphone Fiend". That little mis-kick of the mic stand tonight might just be my favorite Idol moment ever. (Go easy, Soul Patrollers). It was hilarious and will go down as one of the great "I Meant to Do That" moments in entertainment history. I am so glad that Tay-Z decided that we weren't the champions. That would have been baaaaaad. Taylor was BACK tonight, though! His performance was terrific and, most certainly, WHOO! worthy. I don't think it was his best vocal performance, but he finally looked like he was having fun again. That was everything David Radford wishes he had been able to do. That said, I think it was one of the weaker vocal performances of the night; we could see an all-male revue on tomorrow night's cutdown show.

**NOTE: Is it just me, or did you laugh your keister off at the trailer for "Stick It". Good times.**

Paris: The Show Must Go On. WOW! I LOVE that she chose this. I thought she did great and had way more rock cred than Kellie tonight. Pairs was working a whole Mary J. Blige meets Lil Kim thing tonight. I'm not sure how I felt about the extensions, but I thought she looked really good. And she sounded great. Clearly, she impressed Brian May and Roger Taylor ... these guys know what they are talking about, people. Listen to them. Paris wins the sovereign's orb for best performance of the night.

Much to my shock and overall amazement, tonight's show was nowhere near the torture chamber I had been expecting. As the herd thins, it gets harder and harder to pick out the worstest performances. I have to rest my weary head and think about this one. If there's any justice, though, Ace will be headed home tomorrow.

Wednesday, April 5, 2006

Predic-TIONS! Predictions!

Hey Kids!

Flo's going on vacation with The Mister and NO CHILDREN! Woo hoo! 5 days in Florida with the ability to sleep through the night, drink cocktails with reckless abandon and do whatever I goshdarn well please. (*smiles*)

I'm not going to have time to post tonight because I'll be busier'n a one-armed paper hanger, so I'm getting my predictions out now.

I think ... that Ryan needs to shave his silly beard. Someone send him a can of Barbasol, huh?

I think ... that Mandisa and Taylor should be feeling veeeeeery nervous right about now.

I think ... that Chris did well last night, but needs to ditch the silly arm wristlet thing. Very leather bar.

I think ... I'm golldarned tired of listening to country music on this show!

I think ... I'm terrified about next week's theme: The Music of Queen.

I think ... the bottom three is too close to call tonight, but I will anyway: Mandisa, Taylor and Bucky. Or Elliott. Or Paris. Or Ace (I am fiendishly non-committal).

I think ... that if Ryan's little tryst with Teri Hatcher is damaging his fashion sense, he should end it. It's too painful for the rest of us.

I think ... I'm going to have nightmares all weekend about Kellie Pickler trying to sing ANYTHING from the Queen songbook.

I think ... I have no idea who's going home tonight. I won't even TRY to pretend like I do!

Peace out, my peeps!

Tuesday, April 4, 2006

I Feel Like I Been Rode Hard & Put Up Wet

Alright, alright, alright. Let's hear it now: Country Night is OVER. You can all breathe a sigh of relief. Now, really ... was it as bad as you thought it was going to be?

Yeah ... it was. Sorry about that.

So, Ryan "James Denton" Seacrest was looking very disheveled again tonight. And it's not just because of the "Mike the Plumber" scruff he's sporting (in deference to his new squeeze), but his suit looked all rumpled. Maybe it's just me.

What deranged barbershop quartet kidnapped Randy and dressed him tonight? This was not a good look for me for him. He'd better be careful walking around in Hollywood like that ... he'll get slapped with a fashion citation in a flash! (*STOP! Those shoes don't go with those pants!!*)

When Kenny Rogers made his "surprise" (suuuuure they didn't know he was coming) appearance on the b-roll video, did it look and sound to y'all like they were rehearsing for Sunday's service at the Church of the Holy Gambler? If Kenny Rogers were the Pope of that church, would Kris Kristofferson be, like, a deacon?

So, if I may be so bold: Boogity, boogity, boogity. Let's git er done.

Taylor: Take Me Home Freakin' Country Roads?!? I repeat: ????? Even Taylor was holding his hands out like, "Why in the name of merry christmas am I singing this piece of donkey dung?" All due respect to John Denver, because the man could S-I-N-G, but this was not his best effort. Nor was it Taylor's. Mr. Denver, may he rest in peace, must've been rolling in his grave. If Taylor has another performance like this one, I'm gon' beat him like a redheaded stepchild.

Mandisa: Any Man of Mine, Sheneneh Twain. Let me say first that Mandisa's hair and makeup were flawless tonight. She looked beautiful. From the neck up. But WHO is dressing her? What was WITH that ... that TOP?? Mandisa's performance was OK, I guess, but I was so distracted by her blouse-thing that I was having a hard time paying attention. Just say NOOO to bold, horizontal patterns! Fashion aside, I thought the performance was extraordinarily average. Her lower register, once again, was lacking and I just didn't care for the song all that much.

Elliott: If Tomorrow Never Comes, Garth Brooks. Nice of Randy to mention that he'd produced this song. Were you impressed? Me either. Was this performance better than Taylor's or Mandisa's? Yeah. But Elliott's vibrato probably caused some problems for our friends with epilepsy. There is a thing as TOO MUCH. You want to know what the worst thing about the performance was, though? It was neither good enough to moisten my dainties nor was it bad enough that I could load up ol' snarky and take aim. Dang it all, Elliott!

Paris: How Do I Live?, LeAnn Rimes. Paris LOOKED great tonight. Maybe the best she's looked all season. Nicely done! And no fringe anywhere. That, however, was the best part of Paris tonight. Everytime she sang the line "how do I liiiiive without you" I expected her to follow with "if you have the keys". "LIVE" is not pronounced "LEAVE". And I think Paris' lower register might've been out with Mandisa's for 1/2 price night at CBGB's because it was M.I.A., as well.

Ace: I couldn't tell you what song he sang or who the original artist was. What I can tell you is that Ace, in no uncertain terms, gave the best performance he's given TO DATE. He looked confident, self-assured, his voice was strong and even and not at all forced. He was HOT! (*TSSSSS!*) He didn't mime, we didn't see any new scar tissue. And he sang con passion! NICE. This is exactly what Ace needed to do to throw a wrench into things. I think that most people had pretty much written him off, but he apparently had other plans. What now? I'm in a quandary.

The Gherkin: Fancy, Miss Reba. I know that someone out there in the Blogosphere chose this song for her; good goin' whoever you were! I still think she's got those dead Wilma Flintstone eyes, but I thought she gave a really good performance tonight. I have a couple of bones to pick with her tonight, however. What was UP (and down and UP and down and UP and down) with her eyebrows? It was like she was a sweet lil' ol marionette being controlled by a sadistic puppetteer. Also, was there a reason that AI felt it necessary for Kellie to have a fireside chat with Ryan to "clear the air" about her "real, down-home personality"?? They have an hour to squeeze in 9 performances and some tripe disguised as constructive criticism and they waste 3 minutes on that?!? And Kellie, PLEASE. For the love of GOD. STOP apologizing!

Chris: Some Keith Urban Song. Chris did a'ight. He would have done better if he just would've sung Desperado. That would've been all she wrote, but noooo ... you had to do a stool song (y'all can read as much into that as you want). And you know what (and I never thought these words would come out of my mouth)? Ace was better than you tonight. GASP!! (*Flo ducks and runs for cover from tomatoes soaring overhead*)

Chowdah McPhee: You Bring Out the Elvis In Me. What does that mean, exactly? Does he make you want to binge on deep-fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches? Do you suddenly want to cover your walls in red velvet? What?? Kit Kat was loads better than last week, she was fun and playful and all of that. She was a'ight, but I think I was so completely OVER the show by the time she came on that I just chalked her up in the "EH" column. She should be OK tomorrow.

Bucky: Mumblemumblemumble. So, Kenny made a point of telling Bucky to enunciate ev-e-ry word. Glad he listened (*rolls eyes*). Before y'all get all antsy, I must say that I really enjoyed Sister Golden Hair tonight. I couldn't understand anything he said (something about "it's not so bad"), but his voice sounded terrific, so I really didn't care. And I liked that the stylist didn't go all psycho cowboy with Bucky this week. Just the hat and the cool jacket. Nice.

So. Veeeery interesting. Who would YOU put in the bottom three after this musical malfeasance? I'll have to think on it some more, but I'd bet cash money that Taylor's going to feel some backlash and find himself in unfamiliar territory tomorrow night. I love him, but he stank up the joint tonight. I'll get back to ya.

Sunday, April 2, 2006

We've Got A Long Way To Go & A Short Time To Get There

A'ight, a'ight, a'ight. So yo. I have never professed to be a fan of or an expert on country music. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. That being said, however, I have lots of friends and family who LOVE it (I still like them in spite of this) and I there are SOME country songs that are more palatable than others and not totally unlikeable.

So, in the interests of fairness and consistency, I have prepared a list of song suggestions for Der Neun. Snark all you want, but these suggestions are made in as serious a manner as I can suggest anything (and we all know how serious THAT is!)

The Gherkin: Country is her thing, so she had better give a performance this week that's more than just musical NyTol. It seems to me that she's really been phoning it in lately and I want to see her put out a little effort.

One of my suggestions for Kellie is: One Way Ticket, by LeAnn Rimes. This is a fun song that would give Kellie a chance to show some range (and show us that she actually HAS some). It's upbeat without being gimmicky and I think it would suit her nicely. If she knows what's good for her, though, she'll sing ...

Little Bitty, by Alan Jackson This is the sort of song that I could really see Kellie singing, but she might not even consider it because it was recorded by a MAY-UN (please pronounce phonetically)! The lyrics suit her to a "T" and I think she'd do well with it.

Bucky: Another Country night shoo-in. We KNOW Bucky can sing country. But he hasn't really been singing ... just a lot of growling for me for him. I want to hear him SING. Accordingly, I have a sugary sweet country love song that ol' Buck could really pour his heart into ...

Love, Me, by Collin Raye This is a rip-your-heart-out-of your-chest love song that Bucky could do beautifully with. I happen to love this song in all its sappy glory and would love to hear Bucky sing it (it'll never happen). If Sister Golden Hair Surprise decides to go all Honky Tonk, I want him to sing ...

Eastbound and Down, by Jerry Reed. Yeah. This is the song from Smokey & The Bandit. And I just want to hear it cause I think it'd be funny.

Chris: Desperado, by The Eagles (and covered by Clint Black on Common Thread: Songs of the Eagles Tribute Album). Chris really needs to soften things up this week, and Country Week is as good a time as any for him to show us something different. Desperado is a song that will allow Chris to show his softer, more sensitive side while still being all soulful and *aaahhhh*-inspiring. *NOTE to Chris: No Johnny Cash this week!*

Katharine: Kit Kat had a bad week last week and she seemed none too pleased on Wednesday night. Katharine's got a beautiful, pure voice that is well-suited for a lot of country music. I think she has a big chance to blow her roomie out of the water by singing her caboose off on Tuesday night. In a perfect world (we wouldn't be talking about country music choices) Kat would sing:
(I Never Promised You A) Rose Garden, by Lynn Anderson (and covered by K.D. Lang and Martina McBride after her) This is a fun song that will keep Kat out of the ballad trap while still allowing her to show off vocally. If she doesn't sing this, I'd LOVE to hear her sing ...

Blue, by LeAnn Rimes. This song, off LeAnn Rimes' first album, is beautiful and mournful and is perfectly suited to Katharine's voice. I'd be concerned about her looking detached, but I think she'd do brilliantly with this one.

Elliott: I am fast becoming a big Elliott fan. He's unpretentious and his voice is just flawless. There's a lot of potential for Elliott to really shine this week, but I'd most like to hear him sing ...
Bless the Broken Road, by Rascal Flatts. We got to hear Elliott sing some of this during Hollyweird Week and it was awesome. Carrie Underwood actually sang this song WITH Rascal Flatts on the finale show last year, but I think that Elliott could really set himself apart from that ... and do it brilliantly.

Mandisa: She's got a lot of ground to make up for me for her. I think Mandisa's voice is terrific, but I'm tired of being yelled at. She needs to tone it down a little this week and show us that she can do more than BELT. I want to hear her sing and test out her lower register, which she seems to be avoiding like the plague. I think Mandisa would hit a home run with ...

Stand By Your Man, by Tammy Wynette. This one's a no-brainer. She could sing all over her register, still get to belt out some notes and make the country music community go all gushy all at the same time. This is a country classic that Mandisa could pull off with style.

Paris: I'm really looking forward to seeing what Paris does this week. During auditions, she sang a bit of a Dixie Chicks song and it was fantastic. If she can show some real vocal style like that again I'd give her the maddest of props. Paris should sing ...

Longtime Gone, by the Dixie Chicks. From their album HOME, this song has really strong vocals without being all sappy and ballady. I'd be interested to see how Paris' vocals stand up to Natalie Maines; I think she'd do really well. Another good choice for Paris would be ...

Down at the Twist & Shout, by Mary Chapin Carpenter. Great, fun song that would play to her Southern ties and let her wear some ridiculous cowgirl ensemble that I'm sure would be RIFE with fringe.

Taylor: I loved hearing Tay-Z sing last week. No bopping and writhing all over the stage, just terrific singing. I want more. There are lots of songs that Taylor could sing to perfection this week, but I'd most like to hear him sing ...

Crazy, by Willie Nelson Most people know this as a Patsy Cline song, but it was written and recorded originally by Willie Nelson. This song's got depth and soul and would be a great choice for Taylor to show off. Another fun choice would be ...

Drive South, by John Hiatt Taylor's voice reminds me a lot of John Hiatt's and I think he'd rock with one of his songs. Drive South is bluesy and soulful and would be a great choice for Taylor.

Ace: Ace was the one contestant that I really, really struggled with for a song selection. I hope that he surprises me. Another post I read suggested he sing a Collin Raye song (whose title I can't recall), but I am unfamiliar with it. There was some assent in the comments, so maybe that song would be good (whatever that song is). I've really wanted Ace to step it up, but I think his time is running short. By default, I'm suggesting ...

I Can't Tell You Why, by Vince Gill (this is from The Eagles' cover album that I mentioned earlier) I think that this would be an OK song choice for Ace and, if he can get over his nerves and sing to his ability, he could do well. If he wanted to do something more contemporary, he could try ...

Days Go By, by Keith Urban Why not? Ace is hot, Keith Urban is hot. Seems as reasonable a choice as any other.

I know that lots of you are legimate country fans, so I'd love to hear what you're thinking of in terms of song suggestions. I hoping that, true to my southern upbringing, by keeping my expectations hopelessly low, I might be pleasantly surprised by Tuesday night's Ho-Down.

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend & My Dog

Howdy folks! I know I've been pretty down on Country Music as a whole, but I'm doing my best to keep the door of my mind, if not open, then at least slightly ajar in anticipation of this week's "Roundup at the AI Corral".

While I'm actually putting serious thought (laugh all you want, we'll make more) into a list of song suggestions for the Nifty Nine, here's a list of Country songs that I WISH we'd hear on Tuesday.

"Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goal Posts Of Life"
"Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye"
"Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure"
"How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?"
"Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On the Bedpost Overnight?"
"How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life"
"I Can't Fly My Kite No More Cause My Wife Won't Give Me Any Tail"
"I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me"
"I Got Home At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2"
"I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine"
"I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl But It Didn't Run So I Figured We're Even"
"I Knew I'd Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of You"
"I Still MIss You Baby, But My Aim Is Gettin' Better"
"If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby It's Me"
"I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies And I'm Blue All The Time"
"I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying on My Back in My Bed Cryin' Over You"
"I'm Not Married But The Wife Is"
"I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here"
"I've Got Four On The Floor And A Fifth Under The Seat"
"My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breakin' My Heart"
"She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft"
"She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger"
"You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too"
"You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly"

and who could ever forget the classic ...

"I'd Rather Have a Bottle in Front of Me than a Frontal Lobotomy"