Bad Credit? No Apostrophe? No Problem.

APPARENTLY, "Bad Credit" has been approved by "Your" (though I can't say, for certain, if there's a hyphen in between the "your" and the "approved"). I need an aspirin.

"Your" Does NOT = "You're"

What did the poor apostrophe ever do to deserve such brutal treatment? I mean, seriously, we may as well start waterboarding it (not that we condone torture, because we don't do that in this country) or subject it to some other such treatment. It can't possibly get much worse for this tiny little piece of punctuation.

I'm not sure when it happened.

Sometime, somewhere, someone decided that it took too much effort to type or write the word "you're" (which, if you're playing along at home, is a contraction of two words: "you" and "are") and just went with "your" (which is a second-person personal pronoun). It's unfortunate that this "decider" didn't understand that "your" and "you're" have completely different meanings.

There are few things in this life that, as my grandmother used to say, "frost my kneecaps" (and NO, I'm not really sure what that means) as much as this. There is, however, one thing that does ...

TV's. CD's. Thunderstorm's (and I mean multiple thunderstorms, not that the thunderstorm has taken ownership of something). And so on and so forth.

When, for the love of all that is right and holy, was it decided that the poor apostrophe was to be used to make something plural? You see, I grew up with an English teacher for a mother. I was an English major in college. I have had it beaten into my head that an apostrophe shows possession (eg: "The Grammar Bitch's tolerance for misuse of the apostrophe is dangerously low.") Generally, all that is needed to make something plural is an "-s" or an "-es" at the end of a word (eg. "thunderstorms", "tolerances", "bitches").

Don't even get me started on the confusion people have with "its" and "it's" (I haven't yet had enough coffee to tackle that).

Lynn Truss, in her hilarious book Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation expounds on this phenomenon in the sort of detail that I might if I had the time (the Grammar Bitch has little grammar-o-philes to raise). Even if you're not completely demented (like me), you'll find it to be a real knee-slapper (yes, really!)

In closing, I hope that you will strive for kinder, gentler treatment of the apostrophe and to take others to task for their apostrophic misdeeds (or, at least, laugh at them behind their backs). Because, really, what did the apostrophe ever do to you?

Theme Weeks R Us

American Standards Week. WHY??? Didn't we just have this theme? Oh, I'm sorry ... that was 50s Week. The difference is crystal clear. (*rolls eyes*)

Each season, we are treated to themes that pander to a musical icon trying desperately to give his career a shot in the arm. This season, we've seen Barry Manilow schilling The Greatest Songs of The 50s, Kenny Rogers schilling his plastic surgeon and, this week, Rod Stewart trying to drum up excitement for the newest installment of The Great American Songbook.

While I understand that American Idol is a business whose ultimate purpose is to make money, does everything have to be a commercial? The kids singing in this competition have no chance of survival if they keep getting pigeonholed into these tiny musical niches. They can still have folks like Barry Manilow on to consult and coach and even perform songs from their new albums, but make the themes a little broader, hmm?

In the past, they've done, 70s Weeks, 80s Weeks, "Songs From Movies", "Songs From the Year You Were Born" and lots of other themes that allowed the contestants a little more latitude in choosing a song to perform. They also gave them the chance to rise to the occasion.

In that spirit, here are some theme weeks that I would like to see:

1. 80s Week
2. Satanic Metal Week
3. Irish Drinking Songs Week
4. The Complete Works of Dr. Seuss Put to Music Week
5. Songs That Don't Suck Week
6. College Fight Songs Including the Word "Vim" Week
7. Gregorian Chant Week
8. Motown Week
9. Songs That Suggest Extreme Confidence In Mediocre Talent, and Not Merely Confidence But Almost Even A Suggestion That The Singer Feels That They Deserve Enormous Accolades As a God-Given Right Without Particular Effort Or Struggle And Certainly Without Actually Creating Something Themselves Week
10. Disco Week!

Deus Ex Machina: Bucky Covington

I thought last night's cutdown show was deliciously entertaining! T'was a very special American Idol, laden with syrupy, forced emotion and the snot (classy, Frickles) and salty tears of the Eli(*hee-hee*)te Eight.

Props will be given to Seacrest for looking like such a dandy last night! Very polished, very smooth. He's still sporting those distressing tie tacks, but I'm willing to look past that. Maybe our little metro has finally seen the error of his ways and will get it together for the remainder of the season.

I liked this week's installment of "Please, PLEASE, PLEASE Buy a FORD" ... very entertaining and nearly Frickle-free. Whomever was the stylist for that production did an excellent job with the wardrobe. For those of you that have TiVo, I encourage you to go back and check out the individual getups in freeze-frame. And I will forever be allowed to say that McPheever Blows Balls. Tres amusant!

Taylor Hicks: He's a good ol' Alabama boy, and America hasn't finished with him yet. He's gonna get even more votes by reeling in the American Association of Turnip Green Farmers, which is a highly coveted demographic, indeed. While Taylor's vocals weren't the best of Tuesday night, I think that his performance was the most entertaining. I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that he was the top vote-getter this week. And I give him bonus points for saying that Queen is the greatest rock band of all time. While I think that the members of Led Zeppelin might have something to say about that, that's m'boy!

Katharine McPhee: Do you think that Kat was meeting Ginger and Gilligan for drinks after the show? Katharine needs a fashion intervention PRONTO. She's a beautiful girl, but one of the stylists must not like her. In any event, Katharine's voice is among the best left in the competition, but she needs to make some better choices or she'll be this year's LaToya London (Mandisa was this year's J-Hud).

Chris Daughtry: We now know what Chris will look like in 30 years. His daddy looks and sounds just like him, doesn't he? WOW. Chris is clearly a good guy. He has to be if he sat patiently as BFFs Kat & Frickles passed the snot rag back and forth over him. I haven't been thrilled with his song choices of late (though I think I'm one of the few who really liked him on Tuesday), but he's a supahstah. This is his competition to lose, I think.

Frickles Pickles: Could she just shut up, already? I think that Kellie has no inner monologue, else she'd keep 85% of what she says bottled up behind her startlingly white teeth. Case in point, no one with half a lick of sense would opt to use the words SNOT RAG (someone should also tell her that a $120 pocket square from Burberry's is NEVER referred to as such) before 40 million people. Frickles leaves me feeling bitter and soggy, much like the peculiar appetizer that bears her name. (*BOO!*)

Elliott Yamin: I just love Elliott to pieces. And he's just a WEE little thing, isn't he? He's even shorter than Seacrest, which is really saying something. Elliott's voice is terrific. I think he could ease up on the vibrato a little, but I would buy his CD in a heartbeat. I loved his reaction to Seacrest when he was asked to sing. He said, "What the???" with his eyes. LOVED that!

Ace Young: I really like Ace, but he was given a GIFT last night. In a perfect world, he would have been sent packing. He's been given yet another chance and he'd better not blow it. In his defense, I think he was truly surprised by the results--he truly looked like he had resigned himself to being last night's goat. As an aside, if the stylists know what they are doing (which, clearly, they don't) they'll have Ace go sleevless more often. Aye papi!

Paris Bennett: This girl must have the largest tear ducts in history. She cries for everything. I really hope that, after Tuesday's performance, people will start to appreciate this kid more. She's toned down the attitude and has been giving great performances. She needs to mature emotionally, but she's got a power house voice and will be around for a long time. I'm diggin' La Parisienne more and more each week.

Bucky Covington: What can I say about Sister Golden Hair? I really wish that, at some point, he'd sung a song that showed what is actually a really nice voice. For me for him, though, all of his performances sounded pretty much the same. While I think that Bucky was given a raw deal last night, cumulatively, he's about on par with Ace, so I wasn't all that surprised that he was the one to go. The pronouncement that he was in the Bottom Three was very, very telling I think. There wasn't a gasp to be heard--there was nary a sound--when his name was called. I wish him good fortune and continued good hair (he's come so far ... *sniff*).

And then there were seven. (Do we really have six more weeks of this?) Next Tuesday will bring us the music of Rod Stewart. Weird. Clearly, I'm gonna have to up the voltage on my treatments.