I Feel Like I Been Rode Hard & Put Up Wet

Alright, alright, alright. Let's hear it now: Country Night is OVER. You can all breathe a sigh of relief. Now, really ... was it as bad as you thought it was going to be?

Yeah ... it was. Sorry about that.

So, Ryan "James Denton" Seacrest was looking very disheveled again tonight. And it's not just because of the "Mike the Plumber" scruff he's sporting (in deference to his new squeeze), but his suit looked all rumpled. Maybe it's just me.

What deranged barbershop quartet kidnapped Randy and dressed him tonight? This was not a good look for me for him. He'd better be careful walking around in Hollywood like that ... he'll get slapped with a fashion citation in a flash! (*STOP! Those shoes don't go with those pants!!*)

When Kenny Rogers made his "surprise" (suuuuure they didn't know he was coming) appearance on the b-roll video, did it look and sound to y'all like they were rehearsing for Sunday's service at the Church of the Holy Gambler? If Kenny Rogers were the Pope of that church, would Kris Kristofferson be, like, a deacon?

So, if I may be so bold: Boogity, boogity, boogity. Let's git er done.

Taylor: Take Me Home Freakin' Country Roads?!? I repeat: ????? Even Taylor was holding his hands out like, "Why in the name of merry christmas am I singing this piece of donkey dung?" All due respect to John Denver, because the man could S-I-N-G, but this was not his best effort. Nor was it Taylor's. Mr. Denver, may he rest in peace, must've been rolling in his grave. If Taylor has another performance like this one, I'm gon' beat him like a redheaded stepchild.

Mandisa: Any Man of Mine, Sheneneh Twain. Let me say first that Mandisa's hair and makeup were flawless tonight. She looked beautiful. From the neck up. But WHO is dressing her? What was WITH that ... that TOP?? Mandisa's performance was OK, I guess, but I was so distracted by her blouse-thing that I was having a hard time paying attention. Just say NOOO to bold, horizontal patterns! Fashion aside, I thought the performance was extraordinarily average. Her lower register, once again, was lacking and I just didn't care for the song all that much.

Elliott: If Tomorrow Never Comes, Garth Brooks. Nice of Randy to mention that he'd produced this song. Were you impressed? Me either. Was this performance better than Taylor's or Mandisa's? Yeah. But Elliott's vibrato probably caused some problems for our friends with epilepsy. There is a thing as TOO MUCH. You want to know what the worst thing about the performance was, though? It was neither good enough to moisten my dainties nor was it bad enough that I could load up ol' snarky and take aim. Dang it all, Elliott!

Paris: How Do I Live?, LeAnn Rimes. Paris LOOKED great tonight. Maybe the best she's looked all season. Nicely done! And no fringe anywhere. That, however, was the best part of Paris tonight. Everytime she sang the line "how do I liiiiive without you" I expected her to follow with "if you have the keys". "LIVE" is not pronounced "LEAVE". And I think Paris' lower register might've been out with Mandisa's for 1/2 price night at CBGB's because it was M.I.A., as well.

Ace: I couldn't tell you what song he sang or who the original artist was. What I can tell you is that Ace, in no uncertain terms, gave the best performance he's given TO DATE. He looked confident, self-assured, his voice was strong and even and not at all forced. He was HOT! (*TSSSSS!*) He didn't mime, we didn't see any new scar tissue. And he sang con passion! NICE. This is exactly what Ace needed to do to throw a wrench into things. I think that most people had pretty much written him off, but he apparently had other plans. What now? I'm in a quandary.

The Gherkin: Fancy, Miss Reba. I know that someone out there in the Blogosphere chose this song for her; good goin' whoever you were! I still think she's got those dead Wilma Flintstone eyes, but I thought she gave a really good performance tonight. I have a couple of bones to pick with her tonight, however. What was UP (and down and UP and down and UP and down) with her eyebrows? It was like she was a sweet lil' ol marionette being controlled by a sadistic puppetteer. Also, was there a reason that AI felt it necessary for Kellie to have a fireside chat with Ryan to "clear the air" about her "real, down-home personality"?? They have an hour to squeeze in 9 performances and some tripe disguised as constructive criticism and they waste 3 minutes on that?!? And Kellie, PLEASE. For the love of GOD. STOP apologizing!

Chris: Some Keith Urban Song. Chris did a'ight. He would have done better if he just would've sung Desperado. That would've been all she wrote, but noooo ... you had to do a stool song (y'all can read as much into that as you want). And you know what (and I never thought these words would come out of my mouth)? Ace was better than you tonight. GASP!! (*Flo ducks and runs for cover from tomatoes soaring overhead*)

Chowdah McPhee: You Bring Out the Elvis In Me. What does that mean, exactly? Does he make you want to binge on deep-fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches? Do you suddenly want to cover your walls in red velvet? What?? Kit Kat was loads better than last week, she was fun and playful and all of that. She was a'ight, but I think I was so completely OVER the show by the time she came on that I just chalked her up in the "EH" column. She should be OK tomorrow.

Bucky: Mumblemumblemumble. So, Kenny made a point of telling Bucky to enunciate ev-e-ry word. Glad he listened (*rolls eyes*). Before y'all get all antsy, I must say that I really enjoyed Sister Golden Hair tonight. I couldn't understand anything he said (something about "it's not so bad"), but his voice sounded terrific, so I really didn't care. And I liked that the stylist didn't go all psycho cowboy with Bucky this week. Just the hat and the cool jacket. Nice.

So. Veeeery interesting. Who would YOU put in the bottom three after this musical malfeasance? I'll have to think on it some more, but I'd bet cash money that Taylor's going to feel some backlash and find himself in unfamiliar territory tomorrow night. I love him, but he stank up the joint tonight. I'll get back to ya.

We've Got A Long Way To Go & A Short Time To Get There

A'ight, a'ight, a'ight. So yo. I have never professed to be a fan of or an expert on country music. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. That being said, however, I have lots of friends and family who LOVE it (I still like them in spite of this) and I there are SOME country songs that are more palatable than others and not totally unlikeable.

So, in the interests of fairness and consistency, I have prepared a list of song suggestions for Der Neun. Snark all you want, but these suggestions are made in as serious a manner as I can suggest anything (and we all know how serious THAT is!)

The Gherkin: Country is her thing, so she had better give a performance this week that's more than just musical NyTol. It seems to me that she's really been phoning it in lately and I want to see her put out a little effort.

One of my suggestions for Kellie is: One Way Ticket, by LeAnn Rimes. This is a fun song that would give Kellie a chance to show some range (and show us that she actually HAS some). It's upbeat without being gimmicky and I think it would suit her nicely. If she knows what's good for her, though, she'll sing ...

Little Bitty, by Alan Jackson This is the sort of song that I could really see Kellie singing, but she might not even consider it because it was recorded by a MAY-UN (please pronounce phonetically)! The lyrics suit her to a "T" and I think she'd do well with it.

Bucky: Another Country night shoo-in. We KNOW Bucky can sing country. But he hasn't really been singing ... just a lot of growling for me for him. I want to hear him SING. Accordingly, I have a sugary sweet country love song that ol' Buck could really pour his heart into ...

Love, Me, by Collin Raye This is a rip-your-heart-out-of your-chest love song that Bucky could do beautifully with. I happen to love this song in all its sappy glory and would love to hear Bucky sing it (it'll never happen). If Sister Golden Hair Surprise decides to go all Honky Tonk, I want him to sing ...

Eastbound and Down, by Jerry Reed. Yeah. This is the song from Smokey & The Bandit. And I just want to hear it cause I think it'd be funny.

Chris: Desperado, by The Eagles (and covered by Clint Black on Common Thread: Songs of the Eagles Tribute Album). Chris really needs to soften things up this week, and Country Week is as good a time as any for him to show us something different. Desperado is a song that will allow Chris to show his softer, more sensitive side while still being all soulful and *aaahhhh*-inspiring. *NOTE to Chris: No Johnny Cash this week!*

Katharine: Kit Kat had a bad week last week and she seemed none too pleased on Wednesday night. Katharine's got a beautiful, pure voice that is well-suited for a lot of country music. I think she has a big chance to blow her roomie out of the water by singing her caboose off on Tuesday night. In a perfect world (we wouldn't be talking about country music choices) Kat would sing:
(I Never Promised You A) Rose Garden, by Lynn Anderson (and covered by K.D. Lang and Martina McBride after her) This is a fun song that will keep Kat out of the ballad trap while still allowing her to show off vocally. If she doesn't sing this, I'd LOVE to hear her sing ...

Blue, by LeAnn Rimes. This song, off LeAnn Rimes' first album, is beautiful and mournful and is perfectly suited to Katharine's voice. I'd be concerned about her looking detached, but I think she'd do brilliantly with this one.

Elliott: I am fast becoming a big Elliott fan. He's unpretentious and his voice is just flawless. There's a lot of potential for Elliott to really shine this week, but I'd most like to hear him sing ...
Bless the Broken Road, by Rascal Flatts. We got to hear Elliott sing some of this during Hollyweird Week and it was awesome. Carrie Underwood actually sang this song WITH Rascal Flatts on the finale show last year, but I think that Elliott could really set himself apart from that ... and do it brilliantly.

Mandisa: She's got a lot of ground to make up for me for her. I think Mandisa's voice is terrific, but I'm tired of being yelled at. She needs to tone it down a little this week and show us that she can do more than BELT. I want to hear her sing and test out her lower register, which she seems to be avoiding like the plague. I think Mandisa would hit a home run with ...

Stand By Your Man, by Tammy Wynette. This one's a no-brainer. She could sing all over her register, still get to belt out some notes and make the country music community go all gushy all at the same time. This is a country classic that Mandisa could pull off with style.

Paris: I'm really looking forward to seeing what Paris does this week. During auditions, she sang a bit of a Dixie Chicks song and it was fantastic. If she can show some real vocal style like that again I'd give her the maddest of props. Paris should sing ...

Longtime Gone, by the Dixie Chicks. From their album HOME, this song has really strong vocals without being all sappy and ballady. I'd be interested to see how Paris' vocals stand up to Natalie Maines; I think she'd do really well. Another good choice for Paris would be ...

Down at the Twist & Shout, by Mary Chapin Carpenter. Great, fun song that would play to her Southern ties and let her wear some ridiculous cowgirl ensemble that I'm sure would be RIFE with fringe.

Taylor: I loved hearing Tay-Z sing last week. No bopping and writhing all over the stage, just terrific singing. I want more. There are lots of songs that Taylor could sing to perfection this week, but I'd most like to hear him sing ...

Crazy, by Willie Nelson Most people know this as a Patsy Cline song, but it was written and recorded originally by Willie Nelson. This song's got depth and soul and would be a great choice for Taylor to show off. Another fun choice would be ...

Drive South, by John Hiatt Taylor's voice reminds me a lot of John Hiatt's and I think he'd rock with one of his songs. Drive South is bluesy and soulful and would be a great choice for Taylor.

Ace: Ace was the one contestant that I really, really struggled with for a song selection. I hope that he surprises me. Another post I read suggested he sing a Collin Raye song (whose title I can't recall), but I am unfamiliar with it. There was some assent in the comments, so maybe that song would be good (whatever that song is). I've really wanted Ace to step it up, but I think his time is running short. By default, I'm suggesting ...

I Can't Tell You Why, by Vince Gill (this is from The Eagles' cover album that I mentioned earlier) I think that this would be an OK song choice for Ace and, if he can get over his nerves and sing to his ability, he could do well. If he wanted to do something more contemporary, he could try ...

Days Go By, by Keith Urban Why not? Ace is hot, Keith Urban is hot. Seems as reasonable a choice as any other.

I know that lots of you are legimate country fans, so I'd love to hear what you're thinking of in terms of song suggestions. I hoping that, true to my southern upbringing, by keeping my expectations hopelessly low, I might be pleasantly surprised by Tuesday night's Ho-Down.

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend & My Dog

Howdy folks! I know I've been pretty down on Country Music as a whole, but I'm doing my best to keep the door of my mind, if not open, then at least slightly ajar in anticipation of this week's "Roundup at the AI Corral".

While I'm actually putting serious thought (laugh all you want, we'll make more) into a list of song suggestions for the Nifty Nine, here's a list of Country songs that I WISH we'd hear on Tuesday.

"Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goal Posts Of Life"
"Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye"
"Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure"
"How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?"
"Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On the Bedpost Overnight?"
"How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life"
"I Can't Fly My Kite No More Cause My Wife Won't Give Me Any Tail"
"I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me"
"I Got Home At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2"
"I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine"
"I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl But It Didn't Run So I Figured We're Even"
"I Knew I'd Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of You"
"I Still MIss You Baby, But My Aim Is Gettin' Better"
"If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby It's Me"
"I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies And I'm Blue All The Time"
"I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying on My Back in My Bed Cryin' Over You"
"I'm Not Married But The Wife Is"
"I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here"
"I've Got Four On The Floor And A Fifth Under The Seat"
"My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breakin' My Heart"
"She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft"
"She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger"
"You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too"
"You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly"

and who could ever forget the classic ...

"I'd Rather Have a Bottle in Front of Me than a Frontal Lobotomy"

On "Three", Girls: "Lisa No En Casa!"

I'm so glad that we've gotten to the "sprint" edition of cutdown night. Without commercials, I think the show lasted about 8.5 minutes. In the spirit of tonight's blindingly fast show, I'm going to keep things relatively brief.

Is it just me, or did the inclusion of Shakira & Wyclef on tonight's show seem more than slightly RANDOM? I mean, sure, they've recorded music in the 21st Century, but did you EVER expect to see Wyclef Jean on American Idol?!? I'll bet that Lauryn Hill was spittin' bullets! Random or not, theirs certainly was a jaunty little ditty, hmm? Did Shakira sing? I was mesmerized by her hippy-hippy shake. Wyclef was coooool as the other side of the pillow, as he tends to be.

So, while I'm glad that Ryan has been easy on the contestants in the suspense department in the past couple of weeks, I really hope he amps it up a little next time. I know that they don't want to sit there and sweat, but watching them do it is one of the best things about cutdown night. Sure, it sucks. But it's fun in an eeee-vil sort of way.

"Mandisa, Chris, Kellie, Taylor and Paris: You may all be excused and grab a bite to eat while I make the top row test the powers of their respective anti-perspirants." I need more than that. I want someone like Chris or Kellie to think ... just for a second ... that they're in danger.

So, the Bottom Three.

Lisa. No surprise there. Ace. Not really a surprise either.and then there was ... Katharine. What the ...?!?

Not only was Kit Kat in the Bottom Three, she got fewer votes than Ace! Now THAT is the shocker that we were looking for tonight. While it's surprising, it just shows y'all that you've gotta vote for your peeps. Normally, I'd have thought that Katharine's appearance in the Bottom Three was the product of voters assuming she'd be safe. After reading the posts this morning, however, I'm pretty sure she just didn't get votes because people didn't like her performance.

So, VOTE people! I know, I know ... I didn't vote much last night either. OK, fine ... at ALL! But it was in protest of the bad perfomances and song choices last night. Get it together you ... you ... Top 9, you!

Tonight, we bid adieu to Lisa Tucker. She seemed to have accepted her fate (long before the actual news was divulged) and I think that this was the right outcome tonight. I think that in a couple of years, she'll be a force to be reckoned with. She carried herself with grace, charm and dignity that defies her years. She's a good kid.

In the meantime, grab yer boots, y'all! Cause we're goin' COUNTRY next week! YEEEEE-HAW! You know ... just in case you haven't had enough Country music on the show yet this season.

The Official Taylor Hicks WHOO! Count

For the Week of March 28, 2006:

The WHOO! Count has been pre-empted this week, as there was absolutely nothing to WHOO! about during last night's show.

*This message is brought to you by Citizens Who Long For the Return of WHOO!*

Welcome to "Cafe Terrible"

Madames et monsieurs ... we welcome you to ze "Cafe Terrible". Tonight, we are offering a wide selection of 'orrible performances, each served with a hot, steaming pile of SNARK on ze side. Bon appetit.

Our maitre'd, Ryan Seacrest, was all polished up and spit-shined this evening, huh? He looked like a cross between Regis Philbin and Johnny Cash. I realize that this isn't Fashion Idol, but I take issue with his color combo tonight. If you're going to wear a blue shirt, wear one that isn't SO dark that people think your blacks are clashing, which is never a good thing.

And what is going on with Paula's hair?? It looks nice and all, but it gets about three shades darker each and every week. I'm a big believer in the whole "better living through chemistry" thing, but go easy with the Nice & Easy, OK?

And please, please tell me that we can't REALLY download Idol performances to our cellphones. Can we? Yech. Just the IDEA of that makes me want to cough up a hairball.

Let's get on with our meal, shall we?

Lisa: Because of You, Kelly Clarkson. I imagine that my reaction to this performance is similar to how Bucky would react to being served sushi. Oh, Lisa. Dear, sweet Lisa. You broke one of the cardinal rules of Idol. Don't perform songs that are signatures of far superior artists. That performance was NASAL as all get out and sharp as a Ginsu knife. And I kept worrying that she was going to yank the extensions out of her hair. Ouch. "Thank you for flying Snarky Airways, Lisa. BUH-BYE."

The Gherkin: Suds In The Bucket, Sara Evans. After that performance, I needed a bucket. Only it wasn't for suds. Kellie needs a good, swift kick in the pants. I've never been her biggest fan, but her performances in recent weeks have been really bargain-basement. While she didn't have the dead-eyed stare of last week, she just seemed disconnected and bored. Which is easy to understand because the song was BORING. Sheesh! My favorite parts of her performance were Marilu Henner's reaction (or lack thereof) and Simon's comments. Simon was my knight in shining, cynical armor tonight.

Ace: Drops of Jupiter, Train. Ace, you should've sung something by Maroon 5. When will the contestants learn that really, really LIKING a song does NOT make you qualified to SING it? Ach. It was better than the previous two, but that's like saying I preferred getting kicked in the shins to being poked in the eyes repeatedly. Also, Ace is QUITE the Nervous Nellie, isn't he? I know, I know ... there are 20 million people watching, but don't you think he'd be over it by now? AND I must take issue with the whole showing the chest scar thing. I mean, I want to see Ace's chest as much as the next gal, but not when you're working the scar into your song a la Elliott and his eye pointing.

Taylor: Trouble, Ray La Montagne. FINALLY! Finally a performance that I could sink my teeth into! I don't know if it was my favorite song -- it was a little repetitive for me -- but I thought that Taylor SANG it great. I just love his voice and I was really glad to hear it. I was really disappointed in him last week, but he really sang to Mama tonight! My only advice to Taylor is to stop rummaging through Ace's closet. Nnnnn-nnnn!

Mandisa: Wanna Praise You, Mary Mary. Alright. I'm going to have to issue a disclaimer before I start in on Mandisa's performance. I am not an atheist, nor am I opposed to anyone expressing their faith or anything like that. But ... UGH. I thought that the song choice was awful; it was the wrong forum for a song like that. And I thought her performance was really screechy and that she screamed the whole thing. I think that this was my LEAST favorite performance of Mandisa's. While I'm sure that Paula was correct when she said there would be lots of new parishoners at the Church of ManDiva, I will not be among them. Too much. I needed a nice, cleansing sorbet after that.

Chris: What If, Creed. Oh, I don't know, Chris ... WHAT IF you hadn't made such an obvious song choice? I must confess that I am, like, Creed's ANTI-fan. I might like them if their lead singer wasn't such a pompous jackrammer, but he is. So, I don't. Anyway, I thought that Chris' performance was very good, but I think he's beginning to seem a little one-dimensional. I happen to think that dimension is going to make him a very rich man, but I'd like to see him soften it up a little next week. He can still be all soulful, but he doesn't have to do the same kind of song week in and week out. OH ... and full *SNAPS* for nipping that whole LIVE thing in the bud right out of the blocks.

Katharine: The Voice Within, Christina Aguilera. So, was I the only one listening to that? What were Simon, Paula and Theodore going on and on about? Maybe I just don't like that song; if Xtina sings it that way, then I probably wouldn't like her version either. I didn't care for it at all. And did Kat borrow an ensemble from Sheila E?? So far, she is far from leading the glamorous life.

Bucky: Real Good Man, Tim McGraw. Bucky is surely a real good man. Too bad this wasn't a real good performance. Bucky was back to his mumbling ways, which really disappoints me. He definitely seemed more comfortable than he has in the past couple of weeks, but I WISH he could sing like he does on his own song (http://www.buckycovingtononline.com/blog.html). The performances he's giving are just not cutting it. I'm afraid that Bucky's might be Bottom 3-bound once again.

Paris: Work It Out, Beyonce. If you closed your eyes, Paris was the clear winner tonight. Her vocal was totally a "ballsy". I thought that watching her, on the other hand, was a little disturbing. She just had way too much going on in the accessory department. Too much with the hair fall, too much with the giant gold doubloon earrings, too much with the boots and the belted thing and the this and the that and the other. Too much. But I still thought she worked it out, pun 100% intended.

Elliott: I Don't Want to Be, Gavin DeGraw. I must say that I've been totally diggin on my funky white boy for the past few weeks. I thought he sounded a bit out of breath tonight, but I imagine that's because he was getting his groove on so thoroughly. For that, I give him credit. This wasn't my favorite vocal performance of his, but I thought he did great and I'm so glad he's showing some personality (not a moment too soon, E-Dizz!)

Overall, I'd say that this meal left a really bad taste in my mouth and that this is a restaurant that I hope I never have to dine in again. If I were Zagat's, I'd be giving the Songs of the 21st Century a 1-star rating, at best.

My guesses for the contestants who're most likely to lose their reservations at next week's event?

Lisa, Buckyand ... Kellie (because she needs it)

Let's Cast Ourselves Into THE FUTURE!

Welcome, seekers of truth! Yessirree, the Mystical Floresta is back and ready to unlock the FUTURE! Now, let us all gather 'round the limited edition Idol Plasma Ball and listen as it reveals its secrets ...

I think ... this will be the most difficult week yet for Los Diez. Yes, my pets ... it ain't gonna be pretty.

I think ... Floresta's fondest wish is for Kellie Pickler to sing In Da Club, by 50 Cent. (C'mon, spirits! Throw a girl a bone!)

I think ... the strongest performance of the night will be brough'en by Paris Bennett. She has the vocal chops to knock our collective socks off, but she's also got the 'tude that goes along with songs from the likes of Beyonce.

I think ... that Simon has been in way too good of a mood in recent weeks and the snarky tone we all know (and secretly love) will be back with a vengeance!

I think ... Lisa is skating on a thin, thin veneer of ice and needs to get it together. Pronto. Otherwise, Lisa will soon be "no en casa".

I think ... Taylor would cause Floresta's flimsy underthings to burst into flames if he were to sing Babylon by David Gray.

I think ... While Chris should acknowledge the spectacle of LIVE-gate (thanks, Magistra!), he should focus more on redeeming himself in the eyes of his fans. We've all come to expect big things from the Bald Wonder ... he needs to show us that we haven't ridden the Chris Train in vain. (This writer has no doubt that the man with the shiny, sexy head will bring it! Just, for the love of all that is right and holy, say NO to Creed!)

I think ... with choices like Maroon 5 and Justin Timberlake out there, it's going to be another falsetto-laden evening for our favorite little snack cake, The Tasty ACE.

I think ... if Bucky knows what's good for him, he'll sing Live Like You Were Dying by Tim McGraw. It's country, so that'd satisfy his base, but it would prove to naysayers that he CAN sing.

I think ... Floresta is sleep-deprived and posted before she was finished.

So, there you have it, kids. Let's hope that someone is really offensively bad tonight, as we need a new target. I am hopeful that tonight's show will be more exciting than last week, but only time will tell!

I think ... I'll see you guys AFTER THE BREAK.