And Your Top 12 Are ... WHO??? Really?

**Before I dissect tonight's results, I want to say that I sincerely hope that Bo Bice gets the opportunity to record some music that's not quite so bubblegum as what's on his current album. I think "The Real Thing" is a good, be-boppy single that will win the hearts of teenaged girls everywhere. But it's just so ... so ... manufactured, you know? I think Bo is great, but this is not his thang, man! He needs to rock almost as much as Chris Daughtry and shouldn't be shoehorned into some pre-packaged mold that they've got waiting at '19 Entertainment'.**

Well, CRAP! Tonight's show just wrecked my whole average. I was only 1 for 4 on tonight's cut-ees. I'm probably not as upset about it as the four who're going home, but still and all and stuff. If you had asked me before last night's show who I thought would be in the Top 12, I absolutely would have included Gedeon and Ayla, and Will, for that matter. Ahhh ... America. I thought I knew you so well (*sniff*) ... when did we grow so far apart? Does anyone have a tissue?

I can't imagine that anyone, including Kinnik, was surprised that she had successfully reached the bottom of the barrel (yeah, that's sounding pretty bitter and pithy, I know). Unfortunately, she wasn't able to do anything to get herself noticed until this week when what got her noticed was the fact that her performance was almost good enough to be mediocre. I will say, however, that she carried herself with charm, class and grace this evening, so she gets full snaps for that.

I thought Ayla's choice of Unwritten for Tuesday night's show totally missed the mark, but I wouldn't have thought it would send her back to Boston. And you had to feel for her, you know? You could tell that this was the first time she hadn't won at something; she couldn't have looked more shocked when Ryan announced it was Melissa who had made it into the Top 12.The really sad thing, though, is that she's going to look at this as a failure for her, when nothing could be further from the truth. It just goes to show you, though, that one bad performance in this competition can fry you in a second.

I was nothing less than stunned that Will was the low vote-getter for the guys. I really thought that there would be enough pre-teens out there who thought he was oh-so-dreamy to get him through. Look at me NOT having my finger on the pulse of the nation!! Shucky darn, as a wise woman once said! I don't think that Will's performances SHOULD have moved him into the Top 12, but I thought his Osmond-esque wholesomeness WOULD.

The things that sent me positively REELING, however, were:

(A) the fact that Kevin Covais made it to the Top 12. Are you freakin' kidding me?!? I'm not going to rehash my opinions about him right now, but ... SERIOUSLY?? I'm poppin' Rolaids like they're M&Ms, here!

(B) GEDEON was out the door before Kevin AND Bucky. Really? I mean, Gedeon is freaky-deaky with a capital "F" and a capital "D", but the boy's got mad skillz, yo! For him, it had to have been the un-likeability factor that knocked him out. It's true that [when you see him smile] he looks a lot like a caricature of Eddie Murphy and he seems to be channelling a cable-access preacher man, but he can still sing his butt off.

So, America, you asked for it. Your Top 12 for Season 5 are:

Chris Daughtry, Mandisa, Ace Young, Katharine McPhee, Taylor Hicks, Paris Bennett, Elliott Yamin, Lisa Tucker, Bucky Covington, The Gherkin, Melissa McPhee and, yes ... Kevin Covais.

I've got to go rearrange my sock drawer now. That's the news, and I am outta here!

Avert Your Eyes!

In my continuing parade of computer-generated freak show stars, I give you the terrifying ... SAULA!

Judge Mashups

For obvious reasons, tweaking the judges' photos was a little more challenging than it was for the contestants. The results are funny, but a little frightening, so if you suffer from nightmares BEWARE!

Behold ... RANDIS!

Boy, OH BOY! Guys' Night REDUX

Let's start at the very beginning (I'm told that it's a very good place to start!)

The first thing that scares me is that, if the trend in Ryan's clothing is anything to go by, the terrifying skinny leather tie is making a comeback. As long as it's not accompanied by day-glo socks, pegged jeans and o-ring bracelets, I'll be OK, I guess.

Overall, I thought the guys were just A'IGHT this week. There were a couple of standouts for me, but also a couple of performances that were disappointing. Let's get to it.

Gedeon: When A Man Loves A Woman, by Percy Sledge. Someone needs to sprint over to Gedeon and tell him that this song has NOTHING to do with the way you're supposed to love your MOTHER, for cripes sake! Ai chihuahua! So, the first few notes of the song were really scary and I thought he was really going to mangle the song. I thought he sang and performed it well, but for some reason, I just don't like him. I don't know if it's his affected speech pattern or his "sin-ging", but there's just something about him that gives me the oogies. And SHEESH! That mouth. He could fit all of Brenna's ego in there. I loved Simon's comments to Gedeon: "You're really quite odd, aren't you?" or "It was cabaret and quite over the top, but you're good at it." Look at me being slayed by the snarky Briton.

**FOX is totally hyping this new reality show "Unanimous", but every time I see the ad for it, I keep expecting it to break and say that I can really save a bundle on my car insurance by switching to Geico.**

Chris: Broken, by Seether. OK, so seeing Chris rock the Seacrest-esque hair was a little frightening. He looks much better with the sleek, bald and beautiful look. That said, I thought Chris' performance this week was good, but at nowhere near the level of last week's. I don't think the problem was Chris' performance of the song, just that it was kind of a BORING song. There wasn't enough for him to work with. Good, but he can do better. Is he in any kind of danger? Not a chance. He's snug as a bug in a rug.

Kevin: Vincent, by Don McLean. Kevin Covais is driven by Kanye West? I have a curious mental image of him groovin' to Gold Digger ... where was I? Oh, right. Well, Kevin gave what I thought was a very sincere performance, but I just didn't care for it very much. (Didn't Clay Aiken try this song in Season 2 with similar not-so-good results?) As I've said, Kevin's a sweet kid and he's lightning fast with his retorts to the judges and to Seacrest (which I completely respect), but is that a reason to vote him through? NO. Before tonight, I was 100% sure that he'd be out of there tomorrow night, but I think that a couple of doors were opened for him by Bucky and Will.

Bucky: Wave on Wave, by Pat Green (I think). WOW. Bucky sang a country song. How shocking. (*YAWN*) He's the Lisa Tucker of the guys' side, and I'm just as bored with him as I am with her. Each week, I've said, "OK, maybe he'll switch it up next week." But he just hasn't. I know he's comfortable with country, but he's skirting the edge of disaster right now. I think he helped Covais' cause tonight by not totally delivering the goods.

Will: How Sweet It Is, by James Taylor. Konnichi wa, Will. You'd better hope that the 11-year-old girls of the world DO unite or we'll soon be saying "sayonara". Will is cute and sweet and squeaky-clean, but he is, like, a paler shade of white. And I don't mean that in any sort of racist, off-color way; I just mean that he's got no soul. And I can't get over how he hyper-pronounces everything. We do NOT need to hear every last syllable. It makes him sound programmed. "Survey says,'XXX'."

**As an aside, why is it that Paula's critiques/reviews are of the contestants AS PEOPLE and not of their singing ability? Does the fact that Kevin Covais is a good person and is charming make him a good singer? NO. It makes him a good and charming person. Also, what was up with the giant poppy nestled in her cleavage tonight? I kept hoping that it would squirt water on Simon.**

Taylor: Takin' It To The Streets, by The Doobie Brothers. WHOO! And that's me saying it, not Taylor. WHOO! I have two words for him: AWE-SOME. I had heard he might be singing this song tonight and I thought it was a great choice for him. He did not disappoint. The performance was terrific and I was LOVING the dancing, no matter how completely wacky it was. It looked like Michael McDonald himself was fighting to get out (which he may have been, because Taylor was SPOT ON). Loved IT!

Elliott: Heaven, by Bryan Adams. So, yo. I am a child of the 80s and I know that this song was huge. Inescapable, even. But I thought it was cheesy back then, and it hasn't gotten any better since. Man. Could this have been more of a letdown after last week? I mean, yeah, he sang it very well and all of that, but what was up with Randy laying it on so thick? It was not "HOT". I don't know what the impetus was for this song choice, but Elliott can do so much better. I think that Simon was right on the money when he told Elliott that the song was a copout.

Ace: Butterflies, by Michael Jackson. Ace. Ace, Ace, Ace. He makes my insides get all squidgy. But in a good way. I thought the falsetto was WAY better this week and, while there were a few cracked notes here and there, I thought he performed very well. This was the first real dose of personality that Ace has shown us, and I think it suited him. He actually looked to be having a good time out there. And hey, if the whole singing thing doesn't work out for him, he will make an absolute FORTUNE as a contractor. As a goof, someone else should sing Handyman, by James Taylor.

So, to sum up: Paula claps like a seal and she's got a flowerbed on her chest. Randy needs to be schooled on what is "HOT" and what is "NOT". And the Final 6 guys will likely be:

Chris Daughtry, Ace Young, Taylor Hicks, Elliott Yamin, Gedeon McKinney (though enough people could think he's strange enough that he'll go), Will Makar (because the 11-year-old girls WILL unite and vote him through).

To the Sisterhood of Snark, word to your mothers.

The Official Taylor Hicks "WHOO!" Count

Taylor, doubtless heeding the warnings of Mrs. America, graciously kept the WHOO!s to a minimum. This week, the WHOO!s were reserved for the post-performance interview. Good job, Taylor!

Week 3 WHOO! TOTAL: 6

This has been paid for by Citizens Against WHOO!

An Open Letter to Simon Cowell

Dear Mr. Cowell,

In each season of American Idol, there is a contestant who goes farther in the competition than they should simply because viewer/voters are trying to save him (John Stevens, Scott Savol, Josh Gracin, JPL, etc.) from your sharp, cliche'-ridden tongue.

Bearing this in mind, I have one, simple request of you. PLEASE, Simon, PLEASE keep your comments to the standard "I thought it was ghastly" or "It was pure cabaret" ... whatever. If your barbs come across as too biting or unduly harsh, the recipient of those critiques will get voted through out of sympathy, thereby knocking someone more deserving (from a vocal perspective) out of the competition.

WATCH YOUR MOUTH.

Most sincerely,Floresta

The Girls: Reviewed, Rehashed and Refried

I think that, all in all, there was major improvement over that abomination from last week. That said, there was only ONE performance last night that really blew me away (and we all know who gave it). Before I get to the ripping and the shredding and, where warranted, the praising, I have some other issues to address ...

I found it veeerrrry interesting that Ryan, in his I-Had-A-Rough-Day-At-The-Office-Circa-1985 ensemble (I could write an entire post about his outfit and the giant mind-control sequin in the center of his tie), didn't address the judges (except to introduce them) for the first time this season. Hmmm ... I wonder why?? Perhaps, for Paula Abdul, the best defense is no defense at all. I still say that she needs--in SOME forum--to apologize to Heather, Kinnik, Sway and David for belittling them in the cutdown show last week.

Also, has Simon been rummaging through Paula's medicine cabinet?? Did he actually say that he thinks The Gherkin is better than Carrie Underwood?!?!? He did, didn't he? Well, he's either congenitally insane or irretrivably stupid. I don't mean to go off on a rant here (well I do, actually), but Carrie Underwood is making Simon about a gagillion dollars and he needs to remember that. This comment was similar to him saying that Elliott was the best male singer that AI has ever had. Wha? Exsqueeze me? Baking powder? While his albums haven't sold all that well, does he not remember Ruben Studdard? The boy can SANG! Anyway, Simon needs to remember not to bite the hand that feeds.

But enough about them.

Paris: Conga, by Gloria Estefan & The Miami Sound Machine. While this wasn't close to being Paris' best vocal performance, she made a monster comeback after last week. She gave a terrific performance and did the song pretty well. I thought she looked pretty good, though I thought that flouncy dress/blouse thing was a little silly. But she actually showed a little groove and I think she'll sail through.

**BTW, do you think the judges could possibly decide what they want? Last week, they told her to sing something fun, sing something younger. She did that. Now they want her to sing another ballad? Well, which is it? They are the kings and queens of contradiction.**

Lisa: Where I Stand, by Tiffany Taylor. I am SO done with this girl. She has, in effect, performed the exact same song three weeks running and I have one word for her: BO-HO-HORING! While Simon is correct in saying that she's going to "sail through", if she can't sing anything other than ballads, she's going to get kicked to the curb in a hurry. She sang the song well enough, I guess(though I thought she sounded pretty nasal), and she certainly looked pretty, but I couldn't have been less interested. (*yawns*)

Melissa: What About Love?, by Heart. Ohhh, Melissa. I'm a'feared that you're heading home on Thursday. I think that if her intention is to ROCK, then she should. But she SO didn't. She seemed like she was just going through the motions. I love this song and I think that Heart is a good place to go if you want to ROCK and SING, but I think the choice is getting a little played out. Carrie sang Alone last season and Mandisa just sang Never. Melissa's performance didn't come close to either one of those; I thought she sounded like she was yelling the whole thing. Don't get me wrong ... I like Melissa and I'd like to hear more of her, but I think that this performance sealed her fate. ALSO, I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't take her to task on her costuming. AW-FUL. Melissa is a beautiful girl and I know that she wanted to look like a rock star last night, but ICK. Bad hair, bad makeup, BAAAAAD jeans. And when I say "bad", I don't mean it in the "and the whole world has to answer right now just to tell you once again who's bad" kind of way, just in the BAD, BAD kind of way.

Kinnik: If I Ain't Got You, by Alicia Keys. The best thing I can say about Kinnik's performance was that she sure looked good. I think that Kinnik probably has a good voice (not that we've really gotten to hear it), but her performance last night was painful to listen to. This was Kinnik's week to climb up out of the bottom of the barrel and she just didn't do it. She was flashing desperation finger numbers ("PICK 4!! PICK 4!!") all the way through the closing credits and I think she knows, like the rest of us, that she's headed home on Thursday. On the bright side, maybe she and Melissa can share a cab to the airport, and maybe a box of chiclets, too.

Katharine: Think, by Aretha Franklin. First, I must say that I'm delighted that Katharine is NOT quitting the show. Also, I must preface my comments by saying that I LOVE this song (The Blues Brothers is one of my favorite movies) and that no one can sing it like Aretha (though I'll bet Mandisa could do her proud). I thought she [Katharine] sang the song well, especially in her upper register, but for me, this was the "Wonder Bread" version of this song. I just didn't believe it from her. Her lower register was weak and lifeless (not to mention barely audible) and I'm still waiting to be WOW-ed like I was in Week 1. I want the McPhee-ver. Notwithstanding the above, she should be comfortable in the knowledge that she's a lock for the Top 12.

Ayla: Unwritten, by Natasha Bedingfield. We now know one thing (for sure) about Ayla: she definitely studied at the Kellie Pickler School of Squat Dancing. Ladies, the performances are often hard enough to deal with without worrying that the contestants are constipated. But I digress. I'm glad that Ayla broke out of the Ballad Trap and had at least a modicum of fun. However, if I had seen her last night [for the first time] I would have wondered what the heck she was doing in the competition. There was just no way for Ayla to show her range, which is impressive, with that song. Bring the fun, Ayla, but more importantly, bring the vocals. That's all I'm sayin'.

Mandisa: I'm Every Woman, by Chaka Khan. WOW, WOW, WOW and, yet again, WOW! Mandisa has set herself up as The Woman to Beat in this competition. I thought that she'd bring out the big guns this week and her performance was tantamount to a musical Howitzer. A Chris Daughtry vs. Mandisa final is highly likely and very probable. I have absolutely nothing negative to say. LOVED IT!

**Editor's Note: Did it sound to anyone else like Randy told Mandisa she'd set the "bitchmark"? I had to reverse the TiVo and, while I know he said "benchmark", it sure didn't sound like it. Enunciate, my dear.**

Kellie: I'm The Only One, by Melissa Etheridge. I hate to say it, but I actually thought that The Gherkin gave one of the better performances of the night. I haven't made any secret of the fact that I think her voice is overrated, but she did very well. She performed well (and apparently, she's a naughtly little minx), managed to keep her bangs out of her mouth and moved another tick to the left of country. Maybe the Omega 3s she's getting from all that S-A-L-M-O-N are helping her out. JUST STOP THE SQUATTING, for the love of GAWD!

To sum up, Mandisa rocks. The rest, well, .. eh. Melissa and Kinnik will likely be leaving us (on a jet plane) and your Final 6 Girls will be (in all probability):

Paris Bennett, Lisa Tucker, Katharine McPhee, Ayla Brown, Mandisa, and Kellie Pickler.

Until tonight, I'm outtie!