Boy, OH BOY! Guys' Night REDUX

Let's start at the very beginning (I'm told that it's a very good place to start!)

The first thing that scares me is that, if the trend in Ryan's clothing is anything to go by, the terrifying skinny leather tie is making a comeback. As long as it's not accompanied by day-glo socks, pegged jeans and o-ring bracelets, I'll be OK, I guess.

Overall, I thought the guys were just A'IGHT this week. There were a couple of standouts for me, but also a couple of performances that were disappointing. Let's get to it.

Gedeon: When A Man Loves A Woman, by Percy Sledge. Someone needs to sprint over to Gedeon and tell him that this song has NOTHING to do with the way you're supposed to love your MOTHER, for cripes sake! Ai chihuahua! So, the first few notes of the song were really scary and I thought he was really going to mangle the song. I thought he sang and performed it well, but for some reason, I just don't like him. I don't know if it's his affected speech pattern or his "sin-ging", but there's just something about him that gives me the oogies. And SHEESH! That mouth. He could fit all of Brenna's ego in there. I loved Simon's comments to Gedeon: "You're really quite odd, aren't you?" or "It was cabaret and quite over the top, but you're good at it." Look at me being slayed by the snarky Briton.

**FOX is totally hyping this new reality show "Unanimous", but every time I see the ad for it, I keep expecting it to break and say that I can really save a bundle on my car insurance by switching to Geico.**

Chris: Broken, by Seether. OK, so seeing Chris rock the Seacrest-esque hair was a little frightening. He looks much better with the sleek, bald and beautiful look. That said, I thought Chris' performance this week was good, but at nowhere near the level of last week's. I don't think the problem was Chris' performance of the song, just that it was kind of a BORING song. There wasn't enough for him to work with. Good, but he can do better. Is he in any kind of danger? Not a chance. He's snug as a bug in a rug.

Kevin: Vincent, by Don McLean. Kevin Covais is driven by Kanye West? I have a curious mental image of him groovin' to Gold Digger ... where was I? Oh, right. Well, Kevin gave what I thought was a very sincere performance, but I just didn't care for it very much. (Didn't Clay Aiken try this song in Season 2 with similar not-so-good results?) As I've said, Kevin's a sweet kid and he's lightning fast with his retorts to the judges and to Seacrest (which I completely respect), but is that a reason to vote him through? NO. Before tonight, I was 100% sure that he'd be out of there tomorrow night, but I think that a couple of doors were opened for him by Bucky and Will.

Bucky: Wave on Wave, by Pat Green (I think). WOW. Bucky sang a country song. How shocking. (*YAWN*) He's the Lisa Tucker of the guys' side, and I'm just as bored with him as I am with her. Each week, I've said, "OK, maybe he'll switch it up next week." But he just hasn't. I know he's comfortable with country, but he's skirting the edge of disaster right now. I think he helped Covais' cause tonight by not totally delivering the goods.

Will: How Sweet It Is, by James Taylor. Konnichi wa, Will. You'd better hope that the 11-year-old girls of the world DO unite or we'll soon be saying "sayonara". Will is cute and sweet and squeaky-clean, but he is, like, a paler shade of white. And I don't mean that in any sort of racist, off-color way; I just mean that he's got no soul. And I can't get over how he hyper-pronounces everything. We do NOT need to hear every last syllable. It makes him sound programmed. "Survey says,'XXX'."

**As an aside, why is it that Paula's critiques/reviews are of the contestants AS PEOPLE and not of their singing ability? Does the fact that Kevin Covais is a good person and is charming make him a good singer? NO. It makes him a good and charming person. Also, what was up with the giant poppy nestled in her cleavage tonight? I kept hoping that it would squirt water on Simon.**

Taylor: Takin' It To The Streets, by The Doobie Brothers. WHOO! And that's me saying it, not Taylor. WHOO! I have two words for him: AWE-SOME. I had heard he might be singing this song tonight and I thought it was a great choice for him. He did not disappoint. The performance was terrific and I was LOVING the dancing, no matter how completely wacky it was. It looked like Michael McDonald himself was fighting to get out (which he may have been, because Taylor was SPOT ON). Loved IT!

Elliott: Heaven, by Bryan Adams. So, yo. I am a child of the 80s and I know that this song was huge. Inescapable, even. But I thought it was cheesy back then, and it hasn't gotten any better since. Man. Could this have been more of a letdown after last week? I mean, yeah, he sang it very well and all of that, but what was up with Randy laying it on so thick? It was not "HOT". I don't know what the impetus was for this song choice, but Elliott can do so much better. I think that Simon was right on the money when he told Elliott that the song was a copout.

Ace: Butterflies, by Michael Jackson. Ace. Ace, Ace, Ace. He makes my insides get all squidgy. But in a good way. I thought the falsetto was WAY better this week and, while there were a few cracked notes here and there, I thought he performed very well. This was the first real dose of personality that Ace has shown us, and I think it suited him. He actually looked to be having a good time out there. And hey, if the whole singing thing doesn't work out for him, he will make an absolute FORTUNE as a contractor. As a goof, someone else should sing Handyman, by James Taylor.

So, to sum up: Paula claps like a seal and she's got a flowerbed on her chest. Randy needs to be schooled on what is "HOT" and what is "NOT". And the Final 6 guys will likely be:

Chris Daughtry, Ace Young, Taylor Hicks, Elliott Yamin, Gedeon McKinney (though enough people could think he's strange enough that he'll go), Will Makar (because the 11-year-old girls WILL unite and vote him through).

To the Sisterhood of Snark, word to your mothers.