GAWD, I Love Men.

WOW! All I can say is HOLY CRAP! The guys totally responded to that soulless pile of moose dung that the girls offered up last night with some incredible performances! Under normal circumstances, I'd wait 'til morning to do my recap, but I want to see if I can actually channel some of my excitement. A note, however; there might be one major drawback to this post and it's a direct result of everyone (well, MOSTLY everyone) being so gosh darned good: there's nothing snarky to say! I HATE THAT! So, if I seem too nice, it's just that there's very little humor in excellence (but I'll try!)

First, I have some administrivia to take care of with the judges. Will someone PLEASE tell Paula to stop telling people that they are both unique AND different?!? Paula: in the dictionary under "redundant" it says, "see redundant". Also, she and Randy need to stifle it and let Simon talk. He may be pompous and arrogant, but he also happens to be right most of the time.

Taylor Hicks: Easy (The Commodores). In this instance, I have to give the judges a big, flying what-EVER. I thought he was great. I thought he looked great and that he dressed great, so big ups there. I think his voice is smooth and soul-try (a combo of soulful and sultry) and I just love him to pieces. Was this his best performance? Maybe not, but I don't think it deserved anywhere near the level of bashing it got. You'd have thought someone had hit all three of them [Randy, Paula & Simon] on the thumbs with hammers. He did a couple of cheesy things, but sheesh, people.

Elliott Yamin: Moody's Mood For Love (James Moody ... and countless others). So, I would be completely remiss if I didn't give Elliott credit for (A) losing the silly beard and (B) dressing VERY nicely. Some attentive EFT (that's Emergency Fashion Technician) clearly recognized the Fashion 911 situation at hand and administered appropriate treatment. ALSO, I must give him credit for naming the original recording artist of this song instead of Stevie Wonder or Queen Latifah or any one of the others who've recorded it. I thought this performance was fabulous. Elliott is everything that David Radford wishes he could be. It was smooth as glass. He is as safe as a kitten.

Ace Young: If I'm Not Made For You (Daniel Bedingfield). Right now, Ace, I'd be willing to bet that every female out there (and lots of guys, too) are screaming to let you know that you are, in fact, tailor-made for them. This wasn't as strong a vocal performance as we've seen from Ace, in fact, I liked Father Figure much better. HOWEVER, he was still pretty darned good and I think everyone's ready to hold him and tell him that everything's going to be OK.

Gedeon McKinney: Change is Gonna Come (Sam Cooke). OK. I am prepared, albeit begrudgingly, to say that I liked Gedeon's performance this week far more than that load of codswallop (I just wanted to say "codswallop") called Shout. I thought the performance was much better and I didn't quite expect him to tear off his face to reveal that he's really the Rev. Al Sharpton. That said, I still find him somewhat disturbing. I can't put my finger on it. When he smiles, he looks like Eddie Murphy [when he used to do the "Buckwheat" routine]. Freaky-deaky.

Kevin Covais: I Heard It Through the Grapevine (Marvin Gaye) So, when they teased that Kevin "Squish" Covais was going to sing some Marvin, I actually cringed a little. But, before I get to the song itself, how much did you LOVE his little film clip? I mean, how cute can you get? The little wink and the "Hey, ladies" remark was HIGH-larious. LOVED it! As for the performance, I think that I prepared myself well by keeping my expectations very, very low (ladies, this comes in very handy when dealing with men, in general). I thought the performance was goofy and cute and, while it was by NO means the best vocal of the night, I think that he's got all of the junior high school girls (and probably their moms) eating out of the palms of his tiny, sweaty hands. But please, would someone tell him to button his shirt a little? That's all I'm sayin. I don't ask for much.

Jose "Sway" Penala: Overjoyed (Stevie Wonder). Ahhh, yes. Sway. Another unsuspecting contestant falls victim to the power of Stevie. When will they ever learn?? So, the good thing is that at least Sway didn't pierce our already fragile constitutions with that falsetto again. The performance was a'ight. But I can't imagine any scenario in which "a'ight" is going to cut it with this batch of performances. If he'd been lumped in with the girls, he'd have had one of the best performances of the night (as we are all now painfully aware, they pretty much sucked scummy pond water through a rusty pipe last night). As it stands, however, this just isn't going to measure up to Chris, Taylor, Ace or even BUCKY, for gawd's sake. Sorry, Sway, we hardly knew ye, but as we are decidedly NOT overjoyed, too bad, so sad, BUH BYE.

Will Makar: Lady (Kenny Rogers). When I heard Seacrest say he was going to sing this, I had an absolute giggle fit. Will is 16 and Kenny is older than Methuselah (how's that for a vague reference?) Maybe they can share a rotisserie chicken. But I digress. First, I must "represent" for my girl Magistra when I say that (A) a 16-year-old white boy shouldn't talk about representin' anymore than a 35-year-old white chick ... it just doesn't work and (B) the fact that you're from Texas doesn't mean you have to sing country. There. I feel much better. So, the performance was OK. He stood there like that chick on Seinfeld who didn't ever move her arms, but he sang nicely, I guess. It wasn't a standout performance, but it was better than the worst two, so he should be safe and comfy in the warm embrace of the nation's teenaged girls. I need to see something next week, however, that shows me why the judges put him through. I think that if he doesn't "bring it", his luggage will be brough'en to him.

Bucky Covington: The Thunder Rolls (Garth Brooks). I have three words for you: PRE, FREAKIN & DICTABLE. The best thing I can say about Bucky is that he wants to have biscuits and sweet tea instead of going out for sushi (which I happen to love). Now THAT is representin' for the South! However, Garth Brooks? Hello?? Sure, the performance was OK and at least he enunciated this week. But come ON! Do something unexpected, for cryin out loud! I think his performance was good enough to get him through to next week, but he is on the proverbial bubble.

David Radford: The Way You Look Tonight (Frank) So, I am actually a huge fan of Frank Sinatra. Love him, love his music. HATED this performance. The little story about using the cellphone charger as a belt had a certain degree of whimsy, but David's performance was SO bad that no amount of cuteness (which he does have) can make up for it. When you sing Frank, you've gotta have some swagger. No swagger, no confidence, just terror. You could see it in his eyes. I don't think he ever got over being emotionally garrotted by the judges last week. I think (and I'm going to sound like a Simon rip-off, here) he sounded like a second-rate wedding singer (even Adam Sandler would've done better here!) Oh, David. You are a one-trick pony and that one trick just isn't that good. Arrivederci.

Chris Daughtry: Hemorrhage (Fuel) They absolutely saved the best for last tonight. Holy mother of GAWD! I don't even LIKE that song! I swear, and you can all go back and check on TiVo, but Paula's chest actually swelled after the performance. Seriously. Her cleavage was significantly deepened in her Wonder Woman-meets-Xena-Goes-To-Vegas getup. Anyway, that was worthy of some serious screaming thigh sweats. In case any of the women are paying attention, THAT is what the judges mean when they tell you to "bring it". WOW, WOW, WOW!

So, to sum up: the women suck. If they don't step it up, they don't stand a chance once the Final 12 are decided. Of tonight's performers, it seems pretty clear to me that Sway and David should be the ones to go this week. They just don't even come close to the rest of the guys.