UGH! Blech! The Girls Proudly Present: Snorefest 2006!

So, I've just gotten myself a "venti" Cinnamon Dolce Latte (it's the taste sensation that's sweeping the nation, you know) in the hopes that it will wash away the bad taste left in my mouth by last night's performances. Besides which, the caffiene will help to wake me up after such boring song choices.

What was UP with all of the tired old ballads?? Seriously ... every year the judges tell everyone to "bring it". If I hear one more Disney theme or schmaltzy Bette Midler song, I think that I may produce the "technicolor yawn" (you know ... "Drive the Buick", "Worship the Porcelain God" ... whatever euphemism you like). The best thing I can say about the show was that maybe ... just maybe ... Brenna performed (both in her song and in her obnoxious comments afterward) badly enough to get the axe. GAWD I hope so! Anyway, let's get to the nitty gritty ...

Katharine: Yeesh. Where to start?? After her performance of I'll Never Love This Way Again during Hollywood week and her show-stopping rendition of I Fell For You last week, I was ready to be knocked flat by Katharine this week. Well, I was ... just not in the way I was hoping for. She was as sharp as a tack (and when I say that I don't mean that she was smart) and I actually got that weird twinge in my butt (the same sort of thing you get when you go to the dentist and get a cavity drilled). I certainly don't think she's in any danger of being given the big "buh bye" on Thursday, but she's going to have to keep raising our expectations instead of falling so far short of them.

Lest I forget, who DRESSED her last night?!? Her outfit was just WRONG on so many levels. First of all, to be able to pull off those cigarette capris, you have to be positively rail thin, which, while she's by no means chunky, she is not. Also, that top made her look like she was 6 months pregnant. Glamour "don'ts" across the board.

Kinnick: So, the first thing that I should say is that I'm glad she put on a "younger" facade. While I never would have been able to look at the assortment of clothes that she wore [in a closet] and recognized that they could make an outfit, she somehow pulled it off and looked really cute (though I must say that she's got one heck of a "fivehead". You know ... more than a forehead?) But I digress. I'm Here for the Party was an OK choice of song, I guess. Not great vocally, but it was fun and probably enough to keep her around for at least another week.

Lisa: I thought her performance of Who's Loving You? was nice. Not great, not bad ... but NICE. She is capable of blowing the doors off of that studio and she should do it fast before people get bored with her. The pressure is officially ON, my lovely. Also, she, too, needs a fashion consult and in a hurry. The whole tank top/bustier thing was really bland.

Melissa: I think that she will be the third-lowest vote-getter, which will keep her safe on Thursday, but she should be really scared. Her performance of Why Haven't I Heard From You? was FINE, which is about the best I can say. Not great, but FINE. I'm getting pretty sick of people wanting to "represent" for the South by singing country songs. Why not represent (*raises the roof in an exceptionally white way*) by singing something WELL? Hmm? Too much to ask? Melissa suffers from "Jessica Sierra Syndrome". The symptoms are: (a) having a good singing voice and (b) being completely, totally and in all other ways FORGETTABLE.

Heather: The best that I can say is that she looked great. This, however, is like asking what someone looks like and being told that they have a great personality. So what? She may have a hell of a future as a Playmate, but America will give her the collective "HAND" on Thursday. As far as her choice to sing Hero is concerned, I think that can only be described as irretrievably stupid. While I'm not the biggest fan of Mariah Carey, I recognize that the woman's got some serious chops. To try and come even CLOSE to that (which Heather did NOT) is like committing musical suicide. Sorry, Heather, circle gets the square.

Brenna: This was my favorite performance of the night!! It was my favorite because it SUCKED as much as she does. It's been a long, long time since I've seen someone with such a bloated ego. Singing a Donna Summer song is almost as crrrrrrrazy as singing something by Mariah Carey, as she is the quintessential disco DIVA. Not only was Brenna's performance of Last Dance totally bargain-basement, but her attitude and comments afterward will propel her straight into the toilet. I'm positively giddy about it!! Woo-hoo! Ding, dong the *bitch* is dead ... Once she returns home, har family should give her one hell of a smackdown and teach her some humility.

Paris: ???????? I repeat: ???????? What was THAT?!?!? In all of songdom, the only song that might be more sappy and schmaltzy than Wind Beneath My Wings is That's What Friends Are For. This performance was -- by a mile -- the biggest disappointment of the night. Paris has shown that she can sing just about anything, so why in the name of all that is right and holy would she choose that? Blech, blech, blech and yet again BLECH. Sing something FUN. Sing something INTERESTING. 16 year-olds and Bette Midler simply do not mix. Also, the oufit was just plain silly. In all the outfits they showed in her little backstory, she looked cute. Last night, she looked as frumpy as the song she sang. Fitting, I guess, but BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

Ayla: So, I must preface this by saying that I haven't really warmed up to Ayla yet. I think that she seems pretty emotionless, as perfect people often do. That being said, I thought she did a really good job last night. I thought her performance of I Want You to Need Me was good. I think she's got a good voice, but she's just a charisma-free zone. Her performance aside, by the time she got on stage, I was already drowning in sappy ballads. ENOUGH, already! Sheesh!

Kellie: Our little Gherkin (yes, that's a sweet pickle) probably did enough to secure her spot for another week. However, she needs to STOP with the country songs or the comparisons to Carrie Underwood (which she cannot possibly live up to) will never stop. Something to Talk About was slightly less country than last week's choice, but still and all and stuff. Despite her "aw shucks" persona, she can only make so many smalltown girl references to "calamari" and the bushy nature of spinach salads before America tires of it. Also, I would be remiss if I didn't point out the hyper-calculated shaking of her head [during the song] which resulted in the sexy tousled hair look. And someone should tell her that, if her number in any given week is higher than 5, she shouldn't hold her microphone between her legs in order to hold up her fingers. It makes her look like she's gotta pee.

Mandisa: Et tu, Mandisa? WHY must everyone beat us over the heads with ballads? And not just ballads, but COUNTRY ballads, to boot. Mandisa, America's Reubenesque sweetheart, was the second person of the night to verbalize that she needed to "represent" for the South. I think that the South is fully represented and that the residents of that most charming region would be happier if y'all sang something GOOD. I think Cry was OK, and I think it was one of the better performances of the night, but being the least mediocre portion of a general snoozefest is a rather dubious disctinction. ALSO, she looked te-rri-ble. She's a beautiful woman and she needs to showcase her, ummm ... assets a little better. Those 'Omar the Tentmaker' dresses that big women often wear generally make them look even more robust than they are. C'mon girl ... you've got it, so flaunt it!

So, to sum up, the women were KILLING me last night. ENOUGH will the freakin' ballads, hmm? My picks to get the hand on Thursday night are Heather (100%) and Brenna. I am willing to concede that either Kinnick or Melissa could get voted off the island, but it is my sincere hope that Brenna gets put in her place. I'm a big fan of abject humiliation where it's deserved.
Let's hope the guys do better tonight. (Please GAWD, please!!!)