Bring Me The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!

Hi, Kids! The word of the day is "REGICIDE". The broad definition of regicide is the deliberate killing of a monarch, or the person responsible for it. I hereby cite FOX and 19 Entertainment for committing such a high-ei-nous act of tyranny on the world of music.

Seacrest did, indeed, lighten up on the scruffiness (a good call, for sure). I think he should've worn more grey, though. Would that have been possible?? Normally, Seacrest prides himself on being the picture of sartorial elegance, but he's been really shoddy this season. His couture this evening sort of reflected the judges' attitudes tonight, too. They couldn't have been less interesting. Simon just didn't seem up to his usual brand of barbs. Someone should switch him to decaf before next week, so he's extra testy. Even Paula didn't provide much entertainment and we can almost always count on her to say something ridiculous.

Bucky: Fat Bottomed Girls. WOW. Who'd have thought we'd hear the words "Left alone with big Fat Fanny, she was such a naughty nanny, heap big woman, you made a bad boy out of me" on FOX primetime? It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I give Bucky and FOX full marks for selecting and allowing this song, respectively. HOW-EV-UH ... do you think it would've been too much trouble for Bucky to attempt more than, say, three notes? Hmm? This is a great, great song and Bucky's rockabilly interpretation just didn't quite get there for me for him. He had ab-fab hair tonight, though. Mine should look so good! But that's between me and my stylist. Overall, Bucky wasn't the worst of the night, but he's certainly in the hunt.

Ace: We Will Rock You. No, Ace, you won't. And you didn't. And you probably won't have the chance again. When the founding members of one of the greatest rock bands in history tell you that your silly arrangement sucks in such a way as to disrupt the space-time continuum, you should L-I-S-T-E-N to them for cripes sake! First of all, this song doesn't provide the best showcase for vocal talent. Freddie Mercury could sing anything and make it sound operatic. You, Mr. Young, must be somewhat more careful than he. Ace should have listened to Aunt Flo & Cousin Jenn and sung Play the Game. It still might've blown dead bear, but at least he could've worked his falsetto and SUNG. Instead, he was left to informing the audience that he "rocked" and working the dreaded self-clap. Repeatedly. Bye, bye Ace.

The Gherkin: Bohemian Rhapsody. Let me start by saying that this wasn't the B-Movie horror show that I was expecting. Given that Kellie had to sqeeze a 7-minute rock magnum opus into 1 minute, 20 seconds, I think she did pretty well. Obviously, she holds nary a candle to the original--she didn't even come close to Constantine Maroulis--but I think she did well enough to stay safe for another week (much to my chagrin). While she was better this week, she still has that marionette look about her. My biggest problem with her is that she cannot handle all of the running around on stage. She's got two moves (three, if you count The Squat): (1) shake head and tousle hair and (2) drop to knees to make men think of a good healthy boinkfest. She should be particularly careful on a night when she's wearing dominatrix boots with 5 inch heels. The steps are just too tricky.

Chris: Innuendo. I thought Chris was great tonight. I think that this choice was a ballsy and the only real risk was that most people have never heard it. I think it's possible that people will find it a little boring, but I think he did great. However, I would recommend to the makeup artists that if they're going to give Chris the brooding eye look, either go all the way (a la Billie Joe Armstrong) or freakin' forget it. The makeup wasn't heavy enough to look "rock" ... it just made me say, "Hey ... Chris is wearing eyeliner." He needed more lip gloss to give him that nice dewy glow.

**NOTE: As alert & ever gentle reader ncidolwatcher pointed out, while Paula was mostly quiet and useless during the show, did she did have one real doozie."BLAH BLAH BLAH Queen never performed this song live BLAH BLAH BLAH because they couldn't do it justice the way you, Chris Daughtry, could." She should be drawn and quartered for saying something so ridiculous. They didn't perform it LIVE because Freddie Mercury died just after the album was recorded. To my knowledge, the only time any of the songs from this album (Innuendo) were performed live was during a tribute concert for Freddie Mercury at Wembley Arena (These Are The Days Of Our Lives, Lisa Stansfield/George Michael). Paula should be ashamed of herself.**

Katharine: Who Wants to Live Forever. Look at the big brains on Kat! She must be eating at Big Kahuna Burger these days because deciding to sing this song was S-M-R-T: SMART (Simpsons fans UNTIE!) First of all, she FINALLY looked good. Good hair, good outfit. Good lighting. I'm so glad she didn't sing Don't Stop Me Now. I think it would have been a big ol' mess and she would've sounded all silly. She hit a couple of notes that made me want to run and hide beneath my pillow, but I think she did VERY well.

Elliott: Somebody to Love. I have a question. How is it possible to get through life and not hear this song? Between the umpteen tons of airplay the original gets, not to mention George Michael's cover version, how is it escapable? Anyway, this was the song I had picked for E-double to perform and I think he did pretty well. The beginning was decidedly rough. Scary, even. But once he got to the first chorus, he was doing great. My only real problem with his performance was that he made the song seem all ... happy. This song is about pain and suffering and being full of anguish and loneliness. Elliott gave it too much bounce and pep; not enough feeling.

Taylor: Crazy Little Thing Called Love. I'm officially petitioning to change Taylor's name to "Microphone Fiend". That little mis-kick of the mic stand tonight might just be my favorite Idol moment ever. (Go easy, Soul Patrollers). It was hilarious and will go down as one of the great "I Meant to Do That" moments in entertainment history. I am so glad that Tay-Z decided that we weren't the champions. That would have been baaaaaad. Taylor was BACK tonight, though! His performance was terrific and, most certainly, WHOO! worthy. I don't think it was his best vocal performance, but he finally looked like he was having fun again. That was everything David Radford wishes he had been able to do. That said, I think it was one of the weaker vocal performances of the night; we could see an all-male revue on tomorrow night's cutdown show.

**NOTE: Is it just me, or did you laugh your keister off at the trailer for "Stick It". Good times.**

Paris: The Show Must Go On. WOW! I LOVE that she chose this. I thought she did great and had way more rock cred than Kellie tonight. Pairs was working a whole Mary J. Blige meets Lil Kim thing tonight. I'm not sure how I felt about the extensions, but I thought she looked really good. And she sounded great. Clearly, she impressed Brian May and Roger Taylor ... these guys know what they are talking about, people. Listen to them. Paris wins the sovereign's orb for best performance of the night.

Much to my shock and overall amazement, tonight's show was nowhere near the torture chamber I had been expecting. As the herd thins, it gets harder and harder to pick out the worstest performances. I have to rest my weary head and think about this one. If there's any justice, though, Ace will be headed home tomorrow.