I Feel Like I Been Rode Hard & Put Up Wet

Alright, alright, alright. Let's hear it now: Country Night is OVER. You can all breathe a sigh of relief. Now, really ... was it as bad as you thought it was going to be?

Yeah ... it was. Sorry about that.

So, Ryan "James Denton" Seacrest was looking very disheveled again tonight. And it's not just because of the "Mike the Plumber" scruff he's sporting (in deference to his new squeeze), but his suit looked all rumpled. Maybe it's just me.

What deranged barbershop quartet kidnapped Randy and dressed him tonight? This was not a good look for me for him. He'd better be careful walking around in Hollywood like that ... he'll get slapped with a fashion citation in a flash! (*STOP! Those shoes don't go with those pants!!*)

When Kenny Rogers made his "surprise" (suuuuure they didn't know he was coming) appearance on the b-roll video, did it look and sound to y'all like they were rehearsing for Sunday's service at the Church of the Holy Gambler? If Kenny Rogers were the Pope of that church, would Kris Kristofferson be, like, a deacon?

So, if I may be so bold: Boogity, boogity, boogity. Let's git er done.

Taylor: Take Me Home Freakin' Country Roads?!? I repeat: ????? Even Taylor was holding his hands out like, "Why in the name of merry christmas am I singing this piece of donkey dung?" All due respect to John Denver, because the man could S-I-N-G, but this was not his best effort. Nor was it Taylor's. Mr. Denver, may he rest in peace, must've been rolling in his grave. If Taylor has another performance like this one, I'm gon' beat him like a redheaded stepchild.

Mandisa: Any Man of Mine, Sheneneh Twain. Let me say first that Mandisa's hair and makeup were flawless tonight. She looked beautiful. From the neck up. But WHO is dressing her? What was WITH that ... that TOP?? Mandisa's performance was OK, I guess, but I was so distracted by her blouse-thing that I was having a hard time paying attention. Just say NOOO to bold, horizontal patterns! Fashion aside, I thought the performance was extraordinarily average. Her lower register, once again, was lacking and I just didn't care for the song all that much.

Elliott: If Tomorrow Never Comes, Garth Brooks. Nice of Randy to mention that he'd produced this song. Were you impressed? Me either. Was this performance better than Taylor's or Mandisa's? Yeah. But Elliott's vibrato probably caused some problems for our friends with epilepsy. There is a thing as TOO MUCH. You want to know what the worst thing about the performance was, though? It was neither good enough to moisten my dainties nor was it bad enough that I could load up ol' snarky and take aim. Dang it all, Elliott!

Paris: How Do I Live?, LeAnn Rimes. Paris LOOKED great tonight. Maybe the best she's looked all season. Nicely done! And no fringe anywhere. That, however, was the best part of Paris tonight. Everytime she sang the line "how do I liiiiive without you" I expected her to follow with "if you have the keys". "LIVE" is not pronounced "LEAVE". And I think Paris' lower register might've been out with Mandisa's for 1/2 price night at CBGB's because it was M.I.A., as well.

Ace: I couldn't tell you what song he sang or who the original artist was. What I can tell you is that Ace, in no uncertain terms, gave the best performance he's given TO DATE. He looked confident, self-assured, his voice was strong and even and not at all forced. He was HOT! (*TSSSSS!*) He didn't mime, we didn't see any new scar tissue. And he sang con passion! NICE. This is exactly what Ace needed to do to throw a wrench into things. I think that most people had pretty much written him off, but he apparently had other plans. What now? I'm in a quandary.

The Gherkin: Fancy, Miss Reba. I know that someone out there in the Blogosphere chose this song for her; good goin' whoever you were! I still think she's got those dead Wilma Flintstone eyes, but I thought she gave a really good performance tonight. I have a couple of bones to pick with her tonight, however. What was UP (and down and UP and down and UP and down) with her eyebrows? It was like she was a sweet lil' ol marionette being controlled by a sadistic puppetteer. Also, was there a reason that AI felt it necessary for Kellie to have a fireside chat with Ryan to "clear the air" about her "real, down-home personality"?? They have an hour to squeeze in 9 performances and some tripe disguised as constructive criticism and they waste 3 minutes on that?!? And Kellie, PLEASE. For the love of GOD. STOP apologizing!

Chris: Some Keith Urban Song. Chris did a'ight. He would have done better if he just would've sung Desperado. That would've been all she wrote, but noooo ... you had to do a stool song (y'all can read as much into that as you want). And you know what (and I never thought these words would come out of my mouth)? Ace was better than you tonight. GASP!! (*Flo ducks and runs for cover from tomatoes soaring overhead*)

Chowdah McPhee: You Bring Out the Elvis In Me. What does that mean, exactly? Does he make you want to binge on deep-fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches? Do you suddenly want to cover your walls in red velvet? What?? Kit Kat was loads better than last week, she was fun and playful and all of that. She was a'ight, but I think I was so completely OVER the show by the time she came on that I just chalked her up in the "EH" column. She should be OK tomorrow.

Bucky: Mumblemumblemumble. So, Kenny made a point of telling Bucky to enunciate ev-e-ry word. Glad he listened (*rolls eyes*). Before y'all get all antsy, I must say that I really enjoyed Sister Golden Hair tonight. I couldn't understand anything he said (something about "it's not so bad"), but his voice sounded terrific, so I really didn't care. And I liked that the stylist didn't go all psycho cowboy with Bucky this week. Just the hat and the cool jacket. Nice.

So. Veeeery interesting. Who would YOU put in the bottom three after this musical malfeasance? I'll have to think on it some more, but I'd bet cash money that Taylor's going to feel some backlash and find himself in unfamiliar territory tomorrow night. I love him, but he stank up the joint tonight. I'll get back to ya.