My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend & My Dog

Howdy folks! I know I've been pretty down on Country Music as a whole, but I'm doing my best to keep the door of my mind, if not open, then at least slightly ajar in anticipation of this week's "Roundup at the AI Corral".

While I'm actually putting serious thought (laugh all you want, we'll make more) into a list of song suggestions for the Nifty Nine, here's a list of Country songs that I WISH we'd hear on Tuesday.

"Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goal Posts Of Life"
"Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye"
"Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure"
"How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?"
"Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On the Bedpost Overnight?"
"How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life"
"I Can't Fly My Kite No More Cause My Wife Won't Give Me Any Tail"
"I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me"
"I Got Home At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2"
"I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine"
"I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl But It Didn't Run So I Figured We're Even"
"I Knew I'd Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of You"
"I Still MIss You Baby, But My Aim Is Gettin' Better"
"If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby It's Me"
"I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies And I'm Blue All The Time"
"I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying on My Back in My Bed Cryin' Over You"
"I'm Not Married But The Wife Is"
"I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here"
"I've Got Four On The Floor And A Fifth Under The Seat"
"My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breakin' My Heart"
"She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft"
"She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger"
"You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too"
"You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly"

and who could ever forget the classic ...

"I'd Rather Have a Bottle in Front of Me than a Frontal Lobotomy"