The Girls: Reviewed, Rehashed and Refried

I think that, all in all, there was major improvement over that abomination from last week. That said, there was only ONE performance last night that really blew me away (and we all know who gave it). Before I get to the ripping and the shredding and, where warranted, the praising, I have some other issues to address ...

I found it veeerrrry interesting that Ryan, in his I-Had-A-Rough-Day-At-The-Office-Circa-1985 ensemble (I could write an entire post about his outfit and the giant mind-control sequin in the center of his tie), didn't address the judges (except to introduce them) for the first time this season. Hmmm ... I wonder why?? Perhaps, for Paula Abdul, the best defense is no defense at all. I still say that she needs--in SOME forum--to apologize to Heather, Kinnik, Sway and David for belittling them in the cutdown show last week.

Also, has Simon been rummaging through Paula's medicine cabinet?? Did he actually say that he thinks The Gherkin is better than Carrie Underwood?!?!? He did, didn't he? Well, he's either congenitally insane or irretrivably stupid. I don't mean to go off on a rant here (well I do, actually), but Carrie Underwood is making Simon about a gagillion dollars and he needs to remember that. This comment was similar to him saying that Elliott was the best male singer that AI has ever had. Wha? Exsqueeze me? Baking powder? While his albums haven't sold all that well, does he not remember Ruben Studdard? The boy can SANG! Anyway, Simon needs to remember not to bite the hand that feeds.

But enough about them.

Paris: Conga, by Gloria Estefan & The Miami Sound Machine. While this wasn't close to being Paris' best vocal performance, she made a monster comeback after last week. She gave a terrific performance and did the song pretty well. I thought she looked pretty good, though I thought that flouncy dress/blouse thing was a little silly. But she actually showed a little groove and I think she'll sail through.

**BTW, do you think the judges could possibly decide what they want? Last week, they told her to sing something fun, sing something younger. She did that. Now they want her to sing another ballad? Well, which is it? They are the kings and queens of contradiction.**

Lisa: Where I Stand, by Tiffany Taylor. I am SO done with this girl. She has, in effect, performed the exact same song three weeks running and I have one word for her: BO-HO-HORING! While Simon is correct in saying that she's going to "sail through", if she can't sing anything other than ballads, she's going to get kicked to the curb in a hurry. She sang the song well enough, I guess(though I thought she sounded pretty nasal), and she certainly looked pretty, but I couldn't have been less interested. (*yawns*)

Melissa: What About Love?, by Heart. Ohhh, Melissa. I'm a'feared that you're heading home on Thursday. I think that if her intention is to ROCK, then she should. But she SO didn't. She seemed like she was just going through the motions. I love this song and I think that Heart is a good place to go if you want to ROCK and SING, but I think the choice is getting a little played out. Carrie sang Alone last season and Mandisa just sang Never. Melissa's performance didn't come close to either one of those; I thought she sounded like she was yelling the whole thing. Don't get me wrong ... I like Melissa and I'd like to hear more of her, but I think that this performance sealed her fate. ALSO, I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't take her to task on her costuming. AW-FUL. Melissa is a beautiful girl and I know that she wanted to look like a rock star last night, but ICK. Bad hair, bad makeup, BAAAAAD jeans. And when I say "bad", I don't mean it in the "and the whole world has to answer right now just to tell you once again who's bad" kind of way, just in the BAD, BAD kind of way.

Kinnik: If I Ain't Got You, by Alicia Keys. The best thing I can say about Kinnik's performance was that she sure looked good. I think that Kinnik probably has a good voice (not that we've really gotten to hear it), but her performance last night was painful to listen to. This was Kinnik's week to climb up out of the bottom of the barrel and she just didn't do it. She was flashing desperation finger numbers ("PICK 4!! PICK 4!!") all the way through the closing credits and I think she knows, like the rest of us, that she's headed home on Thursday. On the bright side, maybe she and Melissa can share a cab to the airport, and maybe a box of chiclets, too.

Katharine: Think, by Aretha Franklin. First, I must say that I'm delighted that Katharine is NOT quitting the show. Also, I must preface my comments by saying that I LOVE this song (The Blues Brothers is one of my favorite movies) and that no one can sing it like Aretha (though I'll bet Mandisa could do her proud). I thought she [Katharine] sang the song well, especially in her upper register, but for me, this was the "Wonder Bread" version of this song. I just didn't believe it from her. Her lower register was weak and lifeless (not to mention barely audible) and I'm still waiting to be WOW-ed like I was in Week 1. I want the McPhee-ver. Notwithstanding the above, she should be comfortable in the knowledge that she's a lock for the Top 12.

Ayla: Unwritten, by Natasha Bedingfield. We now know one thing (for sure) about Ayla: she definitely studied at the Kellie Pickler School of Squat Dancing. Ladies, the performances are often hard enough to deal with without worrying that the contestants are constipated. But I digress. I'm glad that Ayla broke out of the Ballad Trap and had at least a modicum of fun. However, if I had seen her last night [for the first time] I would have wondered what the heck she was doing in the competition. There was just no way for Ayla to show her range, which is impressive, with that song. Bring the fun, Ayla, but more importantly, bring the vocals. That's all I'm sayin'.

Mandisa: I'm Every Woman, by Chaka Khan. WOW, WOW, WOW and, yet again, WOW! Mandisa has set herself up as The Woman to Beat in this competition. I thought that she'd bring out the big guns this week and her performance was tantamount to a musical Howitzer. A Chris Daughtry vs. Mandisa final is highly likely and very probable. I have absolutely nothing negative to say. LOVED IT!

**Editor's Note: Did it sound to anyone else like Randy told Mandisa she'd set the "bitchmark"? I had to reverse the TiVo and, while I know he said "benchmark", it sure didn't sound like it. Enunciate, my dear.**

Kellie: I'm The Only One, by Melissa Etheridge. I hate to say it, but I actually thought that The Gherkin gave one of the better performances of the night. I haven't made any secret of the fact that I think her voice is overrated, but she did very well. She performed well (and apparently, she's a naughtly little minx), managed to keep her bangs out of her mouth and moved another tick to the left of country. Maybe the Omega 3s she's getting from all that S-A-L-M-O-N are helping her out. JUST STOP THE SQUATTING, for the love of GAWD!

To sum up, Mandisa rocks. The rest, well, .. eh. Melissa and Kinnik will likely be leaving us (on a jet plane) and your Final 6 Girls will be (in all probability):

Paris Bennett, Lisa Tucker, Katharine McPhee, Ayla Brown, Mandisa, and Kellie Pickler.

Until tonight, I'm outtie!