Welcome to "Cafe Terrible"

Madames et monsieurs ... we welcome you to ze "Cafe Terrible". Tonight, we are offering a wide selection of 'orrible performances, each served with a hot, steaming pile of SNARK on ze side. Bon appetit.

Our maitre'd, Ryan Seacrest, was all polished up and spit-shined this evening, huh? He looked like a cross between Regis Philbin and Johnny Cash. I realize that this isn't Fashion Idol, but I take issue with his color combo tonight. If you're going to wear a blue shirt, wear one that isn't SO dark that people think your blacks are clashing, which is never a good thing.

And what is going on with Paula's hair?? It looks nice and all, but it gets about three shades darker each and every week. I'm a big believer in the whole "better living through chemistry" thing, but go easy with the Nice & Easy, OK?

And please, please tell me that we can't REALLY download Idol performances to our cellphones. Can we? Yech. Just the IDEA of that makes me want to cough up a hairball.

Let's get on with our meal, shall we?

Lisa: Because of You, Kelly Clarkson. I imagine that my reaction to this performance is similar to how Bucky would react to being served sushi. Oh, Lisa. Dear, sweet Lisa. You broke one of the cardinal rules of Idol. Don't perform songs that are signatures of far superior artists. That performance was NASAL as all get out and sharp as a Ginsu knife. And I kept worrying that she was going to yank the extensions out of her hair. Ouch. "Thank you for flying Snarky Airways, Lisa. BUH-BYE."

The Gherkin: Suds In The Bucket, Sara Evans. After that performance, I needed a bucket. Only it wasn't for suds. Kellie needs a good, swift kick in the pants. I've never been her biggest fan, but her performances in recent weeks have been really bargain-basement. While she didn't have the dead-eyed stare of last week, she just seemed disconnected and bored. Which is easy to understand because the song was BORING. Sheesh! My favorite parts of her performance were Marilu Henner's reaction (or lack thereof) and Simon's comments. Simon was my knight in shining, cynical armor tonight.

Ace: Drops of Jupiter, Train. Ace, you should've sung something by Maroon 5. When will the contestants learn that really, really LIKING a song does NOT make you qualified to SING it? Ach. It was better than the previous two, but that's like saying I preferred getting kicked in the shins to being poked in the eyes repeatedly. Also, Ace is QUITE the Nervous Nellie, isn't he? I know, I know ... there are 20 million people watching, but don't you think he'd be over it by now? AND I must take issue with the whole showing the chest scar thing. I mean, I want to see Ace's chest as much as the next gal, but not when you're working the scar into your song a la Elliott and his eye pointing.

Taylor: Trouble, Ray La Montagne. FINALLY! Finally a performance that I could sink my teeth into! I don't know if it was my favorite song -- it was a little repetitive for me -- but I thought that Taylor SANG it great. I just love his voice and I was really glad to hear it. I was really disappointed in him last week, but he really sang to Mama tonight! My only advice to Taylor is to stop rummaging through Ace's closet. Nnnnn-nnnn!

Mandisa: Wanna Praise You, Mary Mary. Alright. I'm going to have to issue a disclaimer before I start in on Mandisa's performance. I am not an atheist, nor am I opposed to anyone expressing their faith or anything like that. But ... UGH. I thought that the song choice was awful; it was the wrong forum for a song like that. And I thought her performance was really screechy and that she screamed the whole thing. I think that this was my LEAST favorite performance of Mandisa's. While I'm sure that Paula was correct when she said there would be lots of new parishoners at the Church of ManDiva, I will not be among them. Too much. I needed a nice, cleansing sorbet after that.

Chris: What If, Creed. Oh, I don't know, Chris ... WHAT IF you hadn't made such an obvious song choice? I must confess that I am, like, Creed's ANTI-fan. I might like them if their lead singer wasn't such a pompous jackrammer, but he is. So, I don't. Anyway, I thought that Chris' performance was very good, but I think he's beginning to seem a little one-dimensional. I happen to think that dimension is going to make him a very rich man, but I'd like to see him soften it up a little next week. He can still be all soulful, but he doesn't have to do the same kind of song week in and week out. OH ... and full *SNAPS* for nipping that whole LIVE thing in the bud right out of the blocks.

Katharine: The Voice Within, Christina Aguilera. So, was I the only one listening to that? What were Simon, Paula and Theodore going on and on about? Maybe I just don't like that song; if Xtina sings it that way, then I probably wouldn't like her version either. I didn't care for it at all. And did Kat borrow an ensemble from Sheila E?? So far, she is far from leading the glamorous life.

Bucky: Real Good Man, Tim McGraw. Bucky is surely a real good man. Too bad this wasn't a real good performance. Bucky was back to his mumbling ways, which really disappoints me. He definitely seemed more comfortable than he has in the past couple of weeks, but I WISH he could sing like he does on his own song (http://www.buckycovingtononline.com/blog.html). The performances he's giving are just not cutting it. I'm afraid that Bucky's might be Bottom 3-bound once again.

Paris: Work It Out, Beyonce. If you closed your eyes, Paris was the clear winner tonight. Her vocal was totally a "ballsy". I thought that watching her, on the other hand, was a little disturbing. She just had way too much going on in the accessory department. Too much with the hair fall, too much with the giant gold doubloon earrings, too much with the boots and the belted thing and the this and the that and the other. Too much. But I still thought she worked it out, pun 100% intended.

Elliott: I Don't Want to Be, Gavin DeGraw. I must say that I've been totally diggin on my funky white boy for the past few weeks. I thought he sounded a bit out of breath tonight, but I imagine that's because he was getting his groove on so thoroughly. For that, I give him credit. This wasn't my favorite vocal performance of his, but I thought he did great and I'm so glad he's showing some personality (not a moment too soon, E-Dizz!)

Overall, I'd say that this meal left a really bad taste in my mouth and that this is a restaurant that I hope I never have to dine in again. If I were Zagat's, I'd be giving the Songs of the 21st Century a 1-star rating, at best.

My guesses for the contestants who're most likely to lose their reservations at next week's event?

Lisa, Buckyand ... Kellie (because she needs it)